Random Thought Thursdays

It's been a while since I've done a random thought post.  So, here goes this week's installment...

ONE.  Anxiety.

Anxiety (and depression, too, for that matter) has been kicking my butt lately.  As in I've skipped out on hanging out with others everyday this week - mostly because I don't want people to see me when I'm feeling this low.  Sometimes, I wish anxiety/depression took a physical form so I could kick it's rear - because it's surely kicked my rear quite a bit here lately!

TWO.  Insomnia.

About as much as I'd like to kick anxiety/depression in the rear, I'd also like to do the same to insomnia.  I know I need sleep for my body to like me.  After all, not sleeping is a sure-fire trigger to getting a migraine (which I have gotten to experience here lately).  I wish I could convince my body that sleep is good, but it's sure dead set on maxing out at 3 hours of sleep per day.

THREE.  Neighbors.

With the move, I got new neighbors.  My one neighbor speaks zero English.  My other neighbor, who I've affectionately nicknamed "Girlfriend," wakes me up every morning at 4am (which is about the time I am finally able to fall asleep most nights).  Luckily, Girlfriend is moving soon.  Fingers crossed new neighbor will sleep till 6am.

I know this isn't a very optimistic post, but writing helps me make steps towards overcoming this depression/anxiety funk I'm currently in.  To echo last week's post, I'm trying...

A Powerful Life Moment

I am a pianist.

I've been playing piano for over 15 years now.

When I first started learning how to play piano, it was because I really wanted to play.  I had friends that played.  I loved sitting to watch them play.  There was something captivating I discovered with the piano.  I wasn't sure what it was, but it drew me in.  It was something I knew I needed to learn how to play.

As a kid, we had a recital every year.  And, every year, I dreaded it.  I hated playing the piano in front of others.  (Confession: I still hate playing the piano in front of others.)  I participated in the recital, though, because I honestly had no other choice.  I played my pieces I had practiced for months - all while visibly shaking in fright.  I never managed to get through any of my pieces without messing up.  But, I made my way through each piece, stood up, faked a smile, and quickly rushed back to my seat (hoping to crawl underneath it and hide) till the recital was finally over.

Very few people in my current life today know I play the piano.  One of my best friends, who I thought knew everything about my life, just recently found out I was a pianist.  It's not something I often talk about.  And it's something that usually shocks people when they find out.

I don't talk about it because, most people, when they find out you're a pianist, immediately ask you to play something for them.  I always refuse.  The most I'll play is a scale.  But that's it.

Last night, a friend of mine asked me how my week had been.  I told him I had been struggling with depression, and that I was trying to get back into writing to help with it.  He asked if he could read some of my writings.

So, here's the deal.  Yes, I have this blog.  Yes, I write blog posts on it (albeit not as often as I should).  But, my friends and family don't know I blog.  I've never shared this blog with them.  This blog has never come up in any conversation we've ever had.  While I have shared a few pictures of myself, I do my best to remain as anonymous as possible.

Why?  Because when I write, I find I am very honest and vulnerable.  The exact opposite of how I am in real life.  I write because that's how I feel emotions, that's how I figure out how I truly feel about events going on in my life.  I write for me.  That's it.  (See Goal #3)

After much hesitation, I decided to share my writings with him.  I sent him an email where I had copied and pasted a few of my most recent blog posts to him.  And then I waited for his response.  Minutes felt like hours.  And with each passing minute, I felt my anxiety level increase.  It increased to where I was visibly shaking.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I tried listening to music, but that didn't help calm me.  I knew why I was anxious; there was no need to sit there trying to understand my feelings.

Just when I thought I couldn't take the anxiety anymore, I got up and walked toward the piano.  I sat down and started playing.  The more I played, the more feeling I put into what I was playing, the more I kept my eyes closed and just felt the music, the less anxious I became.  When I finished, I let out a deep breath.  A breath it seemed I had been holding for hours.  And then I felt it.  It.  Peace.

As I went to stand up from the piano, it hit me.

The piano is my refuge because it's the one place where I can express my feelings.  I put my heart and soul into what I'm playing.  If I'm feeling happy and upbeat, that's reflected in what and how I play (upbeat, fast as my fingers can move, rag music).  If I'm feeling anxious, that, too, is reflected in what and how I play (slow, soft, flowy pedal pieces that I close my eyes and sway with as I play).

I don't play for others because my heart shows when I play.  If others see or hear me play, then they'll see my vulnerable side, a side I hide and keep to myself.  That is the exact reason why I get so anxious and nervous whenever I am forced to play for others.  And that is also the exact reason I avoid, at all costs, having to play for/in front of others.

I've been playing piano for over 15 years.  It has taken me over 15 years to realize that the peace I feel when I play comes not from the actual piano itself, but rather from me releasing my heart and my emotions as I play.

I stood up, and, all alone, in my quiet home, in the wee hours of the morning, I declared, "THAT was a powerful life moment!"

I am trying.

I haven't posted in months because I've been struggling to put the pieces of my life together.

Shortly after I made my last post, I was offered a job.  A good job, doing what I wanted to do.  Just not in the exact location I wanted to be in.  But it was too good of an offer to not accept it.

The job required me to move further South.  If I thought I had seen Southern hospitality before this move, I was mistaken.

But, the problem with this job is that it has taken my employer months to process my paperwork.  In the process, I've been told numerous different stories as to why it has taken so long.  Some of the stories even contradict other stories I was previously told.

I moved.  I gave up my familiar.  I gave up what I had made for my life.  I gave up what friends I had worked so hard to make (because I am the worst at making and keeping friends).  I gave up an amazing support system.  I gave up more than I've ever given up in life for a move.

And, in return, I got a whole lot of loneliness.  Loneliness and more rain than I've ever cared to see in my life.

I'm incredibly unhappy.  But, I'm trying.  I'm trying to remain optimistic that my employer will call me one of these weeks to tell me they're finally ready for me to start.  I'm trying to push my incredibly introverted self to be outgoing.  I'm trying to be friendly and force myself to smile, even when all I want to do is cry.  I'm trying to make friends, even though I can't seem to find people with similar ideals (and close in age) as me.  I'm trying.

There have been more bumps and bruises on this portion of my journey than I would have liked to experience.  But, I am trying.

I have to believe that if I keep pushing forward, one of these days, these pieces of my life will begin to fall into place.  I have to...

Courtesy of sayingquotes.blogspot.com via Google Images

I am broken.

Confession: I had a meltdown tonight.  Well, technically early this morning.  But whatever.

See, I was in bed trying to fall asleep.  When, out of nowhere, thoughts of my life pre-Deep South flooded into my head.

I began thinking about the friends I had during my college days.  The fun adventures I had while in college.  The not so fun adventures I had.

And then, he came to mind.  The guy who showed me how good being in a relationship can be.  The guy who forever changed my expectations and heart for the opposite sex.  Him.

The thoughts of him suddenly made me very angry.  Angry that our relationship happened when I was so young, too young to truly understood how good I had it.  Angry that he was so good to me.  Angry that he never hurt me the way other men have since hurt me.  Angry that he couldn't have come into my life later on, once I had started figuring out what being an adult truly meant.  Angry that he always knew how to calm me and bring comfort/peace to my heart.  Angry that things ended the way they did.  Angry that it's been 7 years, yes 7, since that relationship.  Angry that thoughts of him found their way back into my life.  Angry.

Then I remembered what a "friend" told me after we broke up and I was trying to figure out life again - "You need to get single friends.  People who are in relationships don't have time for single people."

The hurt that came into my heart when those words were first spoken to me flooded back into my heart.  Except this time, the sting was far more painful.  Painful because I have seen just how true those words are. Painful because I've seen just how few single people there are out there to develop friendships with.  Painful because I've seen so many of my single friends leave the singles' club this year and walk clear out of my life.  Painful.

I am single.  I am unemployed.  I am/feel alone.  I am overwhelmed.  I am broken.

My life has been shattered into so many tiny little pieces.  And I have completely forgotten how to use a broom in order to sweep all those pieces up in order to put myself back together and move on...

Random Thought Thursdays

It's Thursday.  I've got some random thoughts to share.  And it's been a while since I've shared any.  So, here goes nothing...

ONE.  Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortillo Chips

Photo courtesy of Food Should Taste Good

These!!  These things are my new addiction.  Like I've gone through 3 bags in one week addiction.  I've had them for every meal - breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  They're that good.  When this company decided on a name, they weren't joking.  Their food really does taste good!  And, bonus for me, other grocery stores have started carrying Food Should Taste Good products.  So no more running around town to find one of those coveted bags!  If you haven't tried these chips yet, you need to.  They're so good, they're gluten free, they're kosher, they're amazingly delicious.

TWO.  Cold weather

Before I get jumped for complaining about it being cold in February (which is technically winter), let me explain.  I live in the South, the deep South.  It is not supposed to be this cold for longer than 2 months, max.  We aren't supposed to get snow and severe ice storms here.  And yet we are.  It's cold, I hate it, and I'm ready for the typical 50 degree weather to come and stick around for a while!

THREE.  80's music

The gym I work out at decided to play 80's music today.  And I absolutely loved it!!  I was totally that annoying girl who was singing along with the songs while working out (quietly and very breathy, I might add).  Today's 80's album of choice was Footloose.  Hate me for this, but here's one of my favs!  Enjoy!

Irony of this song playing at my gym - my gym is a ladies only gym.  But, I still love this song!

While this list is shorter than my usual Random Thought Thursday posts, it is what it is.  I guess Facebook has cut back on my list of random things that annoy me (which typically seems to be what my Random Thought Thursdays center around).  Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it!

Feel free to share any random thoughts you have - whatever they may be!  Happy Thursday!!

Facebook Free!!

I finally did it.  After much annoyance, I finally had enough.

I deleted my Facebook account.

And you know what?  I haven't had one single moment where I've regretted it.

Not kidding.

The other day, a family member pulled up Facebook and began reading through the updates in their newsfeed.  The more they read, the happier I became that I no longer had access to that information.

Here's the thing - I do think Facebook has its perks, its time and place.  But, people posting   e v e r y   s i n g l e   d a y   what is going on in their life isn't it.  Seriously.  I no longer have access to the baby daddy drama, the "my [insert significant other here] is the best!" postings, the bragging of how blessed everyone's life is - and I don't miss it.

Sure, I could have limited my Facebook time.  Sure, I could have kept my account but rarely (if ever) logged into it.

But I didn't want to do any of that.  I wanted it permanently out of my life - no temptation to jump back on the wagon.

I've got enough friends and family members on Facebook to tell me if something major happens in someone's life.  My legit friends have my phone number and email address to tell me their special news themselves.  I don't need Facebook making me feel bad for being single, for being childless, for not being engaged/pregnant, for struggling to find who I truly am.  I don't need Facebook telling me I'm not a complete person because I don't partake of everything my "Facebook friends" partake of.  I don't need any of the extra drama in my life.

Hi.  My name is MDL, and it's been one week since I last Facebooked.  I quit cold turkey, and I don't regret it one bit.  [Steps off soap box]

5 Years

Today is my 5 year anniversary of officially being diagnosed with chronic migraines.

Not only is today my 5 year anniversary, but last week was the official 1 year mark for the last time I was hospitalized.

1 year ago today, I was at home recovering from a whirlwind hospitalization.  I was pretty much camped out on the couch, sleeping, and not moving.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital totally unsure of what was going on, completely nauseous, overcome with vertigo, struggling to see, and was covered in bruises from constantly falling into walls.

I've learned a lot in 5 years.

I've learned my limits.  Which means listening to my body.  Even when I don't want to exercise, I know my body will love me more if I take those 30 minutes out of my day.  Even when I want to go out, I know my body will be kinder to me if I take some time to relax and sneak in a nap.

I've learned to take the bad days with the good.  Not everyday is going to be a good day.  Just the other week, I woke up totally sick with vertigo.  I think I downed like 4 Gatorades in 2 days last week.  One month ago, I was on steroids, curled up with an electric blanket set on a high and a heating pad on my neck also set on high because my muscles were so tight it hurt to move.  But today, today I had a fantastic spin class followed by a great workout on the gym floor.

I've learned that I'm strong.  God has shown me my strength.  When I thought I had none left, He has blessed me with just what I needed to endure.  Yes, I have my weak moments.  But, I've learned my strength far outweighs my weaknesses.

So, if you're new to the migraine world, don't lose hope.  Keep fighting.  Don't give up.  I can't promise you every day will be a good day, but I can promise you that God will help you endure.

Happy 2014!!

And...we're back!! New year, new opportunities, new chances to live life despite the chronic migraines!  Bring it on, 2014, bring it on!!

I got to looking at my recent blog roll, and I realized - I haven't had a "chronic migraine life" post in a while (which is ironic considering that's the purpose of this blog).  So, I thought it was about time to write one...

I've been MIA these past couple of weeks for two reasons: (1) I was enjoying the holidays with my family, and (2) I was dealing with migraine symptoms.

So, I was late getting my shots this round, again.  I got the flu the week I was supposed to get them, so I had to cancel.  I'm pretty sure doctors prefer patients who shower, and I hadn't done that in days since I was so sick.  I'm also pretty sure doctors prefer patients to not infect them.  Well, their next availability wasn't till 5 weeks after my actual appointment date.

About a week before my appointment, the previous round of shots had worn off.  My forehead had a few wrinkles.  My neck was so tight that my mobility was very limited.  My shoulders hunched up towards my ears as the muscles tightened into knots.  And the pain spread down my back all the way to my legs to where it became painful to walk.

The doctor put me on steroids to help (hate those darn pills).  I also spent much time under an electric blanket set on high with heating pad underneath me, also set on high.

Finally, my appointment arrived.  With the muscles being as tight as they were, this round of injections was rather painful and quite unpleasant.

And then came waiting the two weeks for them to fully kick in.  Slowly, my legs started feeling better.  Then my back.  Then my neck.  And, finally, my head.

Now that that's taken care of and out of the way (until my next round, that is), I shall attempt to resume my normal blogging schedule, whatever that is...

Random Thought Thursdays

Well, after last week's Random Thought Thursdays post, I received a lot of positive feedback.  Most notably - I learned I'm not the only Elf on the Shelf hater out there.  Woo!

So, with that being said, here's this week's installment of my random thoughts.

ONE: Social Media

I have a Facebook.  Confession: I hate it.  I find myself being annoyed by it more than encouraged.  I've done the whole Facebook hiatus thing.  Except Facebook emails you saying they miss you (not kidding).  So, maybe I'll completely delete my account in the near future.  We shall see.  But I can with 99% certainty guarantee that I will never get a Twitter or Instagram.

TWO: Apologizing to Inanimate Objects

Ok, I have this problem which often tends to show itself when I'm at the grocery store.  Whenever I run into anything (people, objects, air), I apologize.  Now, this is a fantastic practice for when I happen to run into human beings.  But, when all I'm running into is a display at the grocery store - well, I just look absolutely crazy profusely apologizing to cardboard.

THREE: Andy Williams

You know, that dude who sings, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"  Yeah, that's Andy Williams. I grew up not too incredibly far from Branson, so I would often hear his Christmas Show commercial play around this time of the year.  But, I have to wonder, what was so "wonderful" around this time for Andy Williams? Every.  Single.  Year.  I've never had a "most wonderful time" around this time of year.  Never.  Sorry, call me a Grinch, send me hate mail, I don't care.  You will never convince me this is the most wonderful time of year.  Never.  Bah humbug!

Also, the author of this article is my new BFF.  He states the truth about this "most wonderful time of the year" oh so beautifully!

FOUR: My Computer Hates Me

Every time I go to type on this computer, it decides I should write in Chinese rather than English.  Today alone, it has switched to Chinese on me mid-sentence four times.  Maybe I should just learn Chinese so whenever it decides to switch, I can continue to type and read!

FIVE: Engagement Season

It's the holiday season.  Which means I can expect at least one of my friends to get engaged.  If not a Christmas engagement, there will be a New Years one.  Normally, I dread logging on to any social media site this time of year for this very reason.  But then, I discovered the amazingness that is the tumblr page Bad Engagement Photos.  Do yourself a huge holiday favor, click that link and check the website out.  The photos, the descriptions, the tears of laughter you will produce.  Go enjoy!

And there you have it - this week's installment of my random thoughts on this, yet another, cold December Thursday! And before you hate on me for complaining about it being cold in December, remember that I live in the Deep South. Isn't it, therefore, supposed to be warmer than freezing??

Hey There, Depression!

You have NOT been missed.

But you sure have found a way to fantastically and successfully kick my butt this week.

Because if I wasn't already feeling down enough about life, you sure helped me realize things can always be worse.

My body deeply aches from hitting the gym everyday for 1.5 hours to try to work out you of my system.  And yet, you continue to hang out.  You've got your nails dug into me so deep that you're starting to bring about physical pain.

If you can be replaced by sleep and motivation in the very near future, that would be greatly appreciated.

Until then, I suppose today will be yet another day of hanging out in bed all day balling my eyes out.

And Andy Williams bragged about this being "the most wonderful time of the year"??

EDIT:
Are you a Christian woman who also struggles with depression?  If so, you need to read this article by Serena DeGarmo.  Seriously.  Read it.

For This is Right

For the past few years, my family has been dealing with a lot of ugliness.  I remember once,  I told my dad that I felt so close to God, the closest I had ever felt in my life.  His response: "That's precisely when the devil tries to interfere and tear you away from God."

Well, the devil sure has been trying to shove his way into my family.  And, my family continues to amaze me with their faith in God.  Their unwavering faith builds up my faith.

The other week, we studied the topic of love in Bible class.  The topic centered mostly around the love a parent has for their child.  Even though I'm not a parent, I am a child.  I got to thinking about how this earthly parent-child relationship is comparable to God's love for and relationship with us, His children.  Just like our earthly parents want the best for us, so does God.  And, just as our earthly parents have instructed us, so has God.  Most importantly, just as our earthly parents love us, God loves us - He loves us so much that He sacrificed His only son for us that we may have the hope of spending eternity in heaven with Him.

During the course of this Bible class study, I really noticed Ephesians 6:1 for the first time.  "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."

That last phrase really hit me - this is right.  It reminds me a lot of a phrase I often heard growing up, "Because I said so."  There was never further explanation because no further explanation was needed.  Your parents told you to clean your room, you were to do it.  Why?  Because that's what obedience is all about.

(Image courtesy of Google Images)

Here's the definition of obedience: compliance with an order, request, or law, or submission to another's authority.  You did as your parents instructed you because they had authority over you.

Well, God is our Father.  He has authority over us.  And yet, we so often want to tell God that we know better than He does.  We so often like telling God, our Creator, that we're smarter than Him.  He knows us better than we know ourselves (He knows what every inch of your body looks like, He knows every thought you have, He even knows the number of hairs on your head).  But we have somehow managed to convince ourselves that we know more than Him.

So many today have decided that they don't want to obey God.  Despite Him commanding us to do as He instructs. Despite Him telling us that obeying Him is what is right.  Period.

My dad said something to me today that really hit me.  I love it so much, that it's going to become goal #7 for this journey.

None of us are perfect; however, all of us must seek perfection in Christ.

I John 2:3-6 says the following: Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments.  He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.  But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him.  By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.

Seeking perfection in Christ requires doing as He commands - because this is right.  It requires doing all that God commands of us, not just what we feel like doing, what parts of his commands we like, what is convenient for us, or what currently fits in with our lifestyle.  That is NOT obedience.

It is one thing to say we love God.  It is another to show our love for God by obeying all of His commands.

For we can only be perfected if we keep His word, not our word.

Seek perfection in Christ, for this is right!

The Mom Look

Like many, I live for the weekends.  If it involves not having to get out of bed, not having to get dressed, not having to shower, not having to look cute -- I'm all about it!

But, this past Saturday, some children decided they were so excited about the steps located outside my door that they wanted to run up and down them.  Repeatedly.  While screaming.  Loudly.

In case you're new here, let me restate the obvious - I am single.  (If I keep saying it, does that increase my chances of a Christmas miracle happening??)

I don't have kids.  Sure, I think they're cute.  But not early on Saturday morning when they're screaming right outside my door.

Even though I don't possess children of my own, I have done quite a bit of babysitting in my life.  I also got quite a bit of the classic "Mom look" growing up from my own mother.  Between these two, I have learned how to throw a pretty good "Mom look" myself.

However, it's been a while since I've had to actually use said look on children.  Result: the Mom Look is a play that's a bit rusty in my current bag of tricks.

Well, not only did these screaming children move me to get out of my incredibly comfortable and warm bed early on a Saturday morning, but they also moved me to open my door to a brighter light and colder temp than I cared to enjoy.

I flung open my door, gave the look to each of those 4 unadorable screaming children, heard a quiet "We're sorry..." come from the oldest of the group, closed my door, and crawled back in bed to silence.

Success.

(And I wonder why I'm still single...)

The Single Life Facade

A while back, I remember reading a lot of blog posts by busy bloggers (most of them were moms).  They would post a picture that made their life seem perfect and ideal.  And then they'd post about what you don't see in that picture - which would include a detailed discussion of the mess that didn't make it into the photo frame, the tantrums that were thrown earlier in the day, the worries and tears shed by the parents over how to afford Christmas presents this year, etc.

Long story short, these were posts about how deceptively deceiving our lives as we choose to share with others can be.

Believe it or not, but the same applies for us singletons.  We may post photos of us out on a weeknight with our friends having fun.  We may brag on Facebook about how much fun we had on our last-minute weekend getaway.  But our lives aren't perfect either.  They, too, are deceptively deceiving.

In case you missed this announcement - I'm single.  I am the chef, housekeeper, grocery shopper, income provider, bill payer for my household.  I do it all.  Sounds empowering, right?  Kinda like, "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Well, here's the reality.  Here's what you don't see on my Facebook --

• I fall asleep on my couch watching tv more nights than I honestly care to admit.  There's just no incentive to leave the couch for a cold bed.
• I don't sleep at night because I can't.  My mind is racing over how I'm going to pay the bills, do laundry, find time to grocery shop, what to cook with the limited food I have in my pantry, etc.  And when I am able to sleep, I am awoken by a panic attack.
• I work out daily because it's one of the few things I know I can rely on. It's the one place where I can be reminded that although the rest of my life is a hot mess, I can still spin just as fast as the SAHMs or lift the same amount of weight I could lift last week (if not a bit more).
• My house isn't decorated for Christmas because I don't see the point. Nor do I have the time or energy for it.
• You know that amazing dinner I cooked the other night - which was the first time I've actually cooked dinner in months?  Yeah, I'm still eating that dinner...3 days later.
• Yes, I went out shopping on a weeknight with friends till 8pm.  But what you didn't see is how that night was spent watching them shop for their boyfriends.
• My loan repayment is due today, Friday the 13th.  Because that is my luck. And it's also something you definitely won't see me bragging on Facebook about!

Moral of the story -- the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  My life is not exponentially easier, carefree, or more fun because I'm single.  So don't let the singlehood facade confuse you.  Because it's just that - a facade.

Rather than be jealous of what others choose to share via Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Blogger, embrace the life God has blessed you with because He has a plan for you, a plan far greater than you can imagine. (Self, take note!)

Pretty sure I just established goal #6 for my journey...

Random Thought Thursdays

So, I suck at blogging (even though I promised myself I would recommit to it).  Tell me something I don't know.  Moving right along...

Life is still working on figuring itself out.  Correction - I'm still working on trying to figure out my life.  I could be like a large portion of my Facebook newsfeed and thank Obama for still being unsure about life, but I doubt he'll ever read this blog.  Plus, it's not like I'm blameless in this situation.  So what's the point?

Speaking of Facebook newsfeed, the other day I vented to a friend about how much Facebook annoys me at times.  Yet, I can't bring myself to delete my account.  I still have yet to figure out why I continue to torture myself.

All those frustrations led me to the realization that I have a blog.  A blog that I was supposed to be recommitted to.  So, why not start posting all my random thoughts (or rants) here?  Because surely I can't be the only one with these thoughts.

Here's the premiere Random Thought Thursdays post (which could possibly be the last one) --

ONE: Elf on the Shelf.

In case you don't have friends with kids - because I've got tons - this is what I'm about to complain about.  Just giving you a heads up!

Ok, I'll admit, I'm not married and I don't have kids.  So maybe I don't truly "get it."  But, I've seen all my Facebook friends post their adorable elves making unadorable messes on Facebook for a few years now.  Year one, it was cute.  Year two, it was starting to get annoying.  Now, I am seeing more posts of these elves doing dirty (as in inappropriate) things and parents complaining about having to come up with something creative to do with said elves.  Look, if you have to position a child's toy into an inappropriate position/act to find joy, inspiration, motivation to get your kid to behave, it's time to move on.  Try something crazy like disciplining your child when they act up, or telling them "No!", or giving them the classic "Mom look" I got quite a bit of growing up, or (going way out there extreme here) try reading the Bible with them so they see they should behave because God commands them to do so (see Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20).

TWO: Take Note Single Men!

In case you didn't read point one, let me restate the obvious.  I am single. Husbandless.  Childless.  Which means I do basically every life task alone.  Drive places in my car - alone.  Grocery shop - alone.  Live - alone.  I'm alone.  Now, I'm not crying or complaining over that (shout out to my therapist!).  Being alone has been the story of the past 7 years of my life.  But what I am asking is that if you're a dude and you see me out alone, please find a good, creative way to hit on me.  I've heard the classic, awful, cheesy pick-up lines.  Want to win my heart, or my number at the very least, get creative.  Better yet, just be honest with me!  No need trying to be someone you're not.  Truth: if you can make me sincerely laugh - as opposed to awkward, get me out of here ASAP because I'm uncomfortable laugh - there's a good possibility I'll take you up on your date offer.

THREE: Birthday Celebrations.

My 21st birthday celebration, where I managed to blow the candles clear out of the cake.  Because that's how my birthday celebrations go.

And, just in case you can't tell from the above photo caption, my birthday is coming up. Confession: I'm not a big celebrator.  [Insert shock and gasps of disbelief here.]  Yeah, you read that right.  Which means I'm typically not that person who runs around and brags to all her friends about her upcoming "special day."  Nor am I that person who organizes my own party.  So, if you happen to know my birthday is coming up (which you should now since I just told you) and you want to celebrate it, do me a favor and just tell me so.  Because one of my many awkward life traits I possess is that I don't like asking people to celebrate myself.  It's just...awkward...

FOUR: Holiday Hoopla. 

See this picture of this beautiful house all decked out for the holidays (courtesy of Google Images)?  Yeah...my house looks absolutely nothing like this.  Not one tree, not one ornament, not one twinkling light, and I definitely don't have a fireplace.

I could not celebrate any holiday and be perfectly content with my life.  [Insert round two of shock and gasps here.]  I have exactly zero Christmas decorations up at my house.  My mom called me all upset because all of my decorations are still at my parents' house.  Yeah, I didn't shed one tear or have my blood pressure fluctuate one bit at that news.  Now, I love my family and I'm all about spending time with them - especially considering the fact that 2 states currently divide us.  But I don't need a holiday full of stress and stress eating to enjoy spending time with them.  I'd totally support boycotting the holidays for one meaningful family vacation per year - preferably a vacation location that's warm and comes with a beach.

FIVE.  Share the Awkward.

Ok, before you start going off on me on how I'm contradicting myself (see point three), hear me out.  My life is like one big awkward moment.  So, one would think that by this point, I'd be used to it and would be amazing at dealing with the awkwardness.  False.  I have, however, learned how to embrace and include others in on my awkward moments - I share the awkward.  Some story is brought up that makes me uncomfortable (and is specifically brought up to make me uncomfortable), I'll start saying things I know will make everyone else uncomfortable.  They'll start feeling uncomfortable, things will get way awkward for all parties involved, and suddenly the topic will switch gears.  Don't believe me?  Try it!  This method has yet to fail me.  And considering how many awkward moments comprise my life, that's saying a lot!

And there we have it, my blog friends.  The first and possibly last installment of my random thoughts on this cold December Thursday!  I even managed to throw in a few pics (go me!).  Now I shall wait with bated breath for all the hate comments!  Bring it on, haters!!

Oy vey!

I have thoroughly neglected this blog these past few months!  And what a terrible time I did, as I totally left you all with a huge cliff hanger.

Well, I got my injections, was told by Dr. S to give it a week and see if life got better, and to my shock and awe, life chronic-migraine-wise did get better!  Which meant no hospitalization (this time around)!  Wohoo!!

Which means I still owe you all a post on migraine hospitalization.  Will you allow me to raincheck it just this once?  I'm just not really feeling in a hospitalization discussion mood.  But I promise I will make a post (just not today)!!

Reasons why I've neglected this blog these past few months --

1. I don't know that I ever made it public, but I was busy studying this summer for my licensing exam.  An incredibly grueling process for an incredibly difficult exam.  Well, I took the exam at the end of the summer.  Afterwards, I spent a lot of time fighting my depression as I was sure I had failed.  When I'm depressed, I feel very uninspired.  Hence no blogging.

2. About a month and a half ago, I found out that - to my shock, surprise, and awe - I passed my licensing exam!

3. After finding out I had passed, I then faced the fun life that is unemployment.  Totally kidding on the fun part. Basically, I spent all day searching for a job.  Which became quite complicated because that little thing called the government shutdown happened.  Unemployment life is quite uninspiring.  Hence, yet again, no blogging.

BUT, I'm back to blogging again.  I'm recommitting myself to this.  I started this blog to prove to others out there struggling that there is hope.  And to remind myself that even when things seem dark and impossible, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Plus, I may start posting pics of my chronic migraine life and journey to live life as any other "normal" human being would.  Which means I need to start taking pics again...  I could make "Take more pictures" goal number 6 of this journey, but it just seems off when I consider my current 5 goals...

So, Happy November blogging world!!  This Deep South transplant migraineur is officially back and ready to blog!

Foreshadowing

Well, my confused nerves are officially unconfused and back to working as "normal people nerves" work.

Which means hello migraine - Day 7.

Been on steroids since Day 4.  Like heavy duty steroids.  When the steroids are in my system and working, life is bearable.  When they wear off, life sucks and I feel like poop.

All set up to get my shots on Friday.  Although I'm worried that by the time I roll in on Friday, I'll be too far gone for the shots to provide the relief they usually do.

Saving my last abortive for the week for my dear friend's wedding on Saturday.  Because that's one event that I'd really like to enjoy and be present (physically and mentally) for.

Regardless, I foresee yet another hospitalization in my near future.  Not the dream vacation I had planned, but at least I'm on vacation and don't have to worry about missing out on important life events (like work, school, socialization activities, etc.).

Wish I could blog more, but my head just can't handle it right now.

Next post likely to revolve around being hospitalized for a migraine.  One, because I've never blogged about that before.  And two, because it's looking like that's what's about to happen to me...

Stay tuned!

Confused Nerves

A few months ago, I posted about my experiences with getting Botox as a treatment for migraines.  (Check out that blog post here)

I'm like clockwork - every 12 weeks, I'm in Dr. S's office getting 31 injections.

Well, because of things I'd been facing in life around that 12 week mark, I ultimately cancelled my appointment.

Normally, this is not something I'd recommend.  Seriously.  Once you get on a 12 week schedule, stick to it.  It's honestly what's best.  12 weeks is just the perfect amount of time where the shots start wearing off.  And before things can get too bad, you're getting reinjected.

But, I'm currently 4 weeks past that 12 week point.  Which means my muscles are starting to move again and my nerves are starting to come alive again.

I live in The Deep South.  If you thought August was hot where you live, seriously, come down South.  Not only are things bigger down South, but they're far hotter as well!

I took up running a few months ago.  Today, I was that idiot you see out running when it's 100 degrees outside.  But I had to get in a run today.  And, honestly, the time I ran was the best time of the day I could have gone for a run (and the coolest daylight time).

As I was sweating profusely, my nerves decided that, now since they are slowly coming back to life again, they should react to such extreme heat.  And so they did.  By sending out cold signals.

Yes.  I was totally sweating like a man with goosebumps all up and down my body.

The first time it happened, it was slightly scary.  It was a new experience that I had never experienced before.  I didn't know if it was normal, unhealthy, bad, etc.  But now, it's getting to that annoying point.  While I'm glad my nerves aren't quite alive enough yet to send out legit pain signals, it's frustrating to be standing out in 100 degree weather looking like I'm freezing cold.  Because I'm definitely not.  I just have very confused nerves currently.

Next week will be the 5 week past 12 mark (aka the 17 week point).  Luckily, next week will be the week these nerves will yet again be injected.

Until then, please excuse me while I sweat profusely while looking like I'm freezing cold.  Because I'm totally not.

Pep Talks and Goal #5

My life this past month has been one pep talk after another.

Most are self-given.  Yes, I give myself daily pep talks.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

But, lately, I've been blessed to have someone come into my life who is fantastically amazing at giving pep talks.

So, here's the thing...

Throughout these past few months, with my life twist-turned upside down, I've had the unfortunate pleasure of figuring out - the hardest way ever - who my true friends are.  People I thought were my friends suddenly fell off the face of the earth when the realized I couldn't drop everything and do for them whenever they needed it.  It's been heartbreaking, to say the least.  To know you've invested so much time, energy, and love into someone.  And to have it all mean nothing in the end.  Heartbreaking is honestly the only word I can find to describe what it's been like.  Which, ironically, goes back to Goal #4.

But, one day, I decided I was going to go outside and get a little Vitamin C - mostly in the hopes that the sunshine would help cheer me up, allow me to relax, and melt away (ok, more like sweat away) all the heartache I'd been enduring.

Well, in this quest, I met someone.  Someone who has become a very dear friend to me (although I'm not sure they realize just how dear they are).  Each day, they hit me with a pep talk.

Today's was, as simple and obvious as it was, quite profound.  And so I'm sharing it...

"I think you're going to do great and you will look back on this and feel like you wasted so much energy worrying.  Chin up and eye on the prize.  I have faith in you.  P.S. Try to get some sleep"

How true!  The one thing standing in my way is worry (and lack of sleep - but that's a blog topic for another day).  Each day, I stare at Matthew 11:28-30, a scripture I've posted in my home.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

I've been so consumed with worry.  Worried about my current life events and state.  Worried about these friendships that I've come to realize never really were.  Worried about making it through the day.  Worried about meeting the expectations and needs of others.  Worried about the future and what it holds.  Worried.  And, as much as I've been praying, I haven't been praying to God about the worry.  I've asked for comfort, I've asked for peace.  But I've never talked to Him about the worry.  I've never truly given it to Him.

How can I expect to achieve the true and ultimate prize - eternity in Heaven with my Maker and Savior - unless I give it all over?

Which leads me to setting my 5th goal for this journey...

Goal #5: let go of the pain, hurt, heartache, and worry.  Give it all to God so that you may obtain true rest.

Panic Attacks

Around the time my migraines went from being occasional to chronic and severe, I started experiencing panic attacks.

I tried taking daily medication to help control them, but it left me feeling numb and sent my depression in a crazy downward spiral.

So, I resorted to learning how to cope with them naturally.

Which worked wonders.

That is, until I started down this path that has really got my life turned upside down.

Doctor gave me some Xanax to help deal with the attacks when they come.  Which works great.  That is, if you catch the attack early enough to take the meds before it escalates into extreme panic attack.

Extreme panic attack happened this morning.  Worst one I've ever had.  And I was alone.  No one around.  No one to talk to and get my mind off it.  Alone.

I knew I couldn't call my family because they were all either at work or out of town.  I knew I couldn't call my close friends because they were also at work or unavailable.

So, I called the one person I knew would answer and help me - Dr. S.

In between quick shallow breaths with tears streaming down my face and focusing all my might on not throwing up, I was able to say the following: "Hey...I...am having...a panic...attack... Took a...Xanax, but...it hasn't kicked...in yet... Please...help..."

Before I could say any more, I was being ordered to lie down, close my eyes, take deep breaths.  And in a calming voice, I was hearing, "Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  You're doing good!  Keep it up!! Deep breath in..."

The conversation ended with, "You know what's the best part about this?? No copay!!"

And this, my friends, is why I will drive halfway across the country, if need be, to continue having Dr. S as my doctor.  I don't know many doctors who would do what was done for me today.  And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

Prayer

I've somewhat alluded to the fact that I've got a lot of stuff on my plate currently.

While I really don't want to deal with what I am, I must admit that it is my fault.  I have chosen this path, and with that choice comes this hard time.  And when I get real down and crabby, I catch myself reminding myself that this is self-inflicted.  I have no one to blame but me.

But that's quickly followed up with reminding myself that I'm not in this alone.  I've got God on my side.  As Dr. S reminded me, I have to ask Him for help.  And then I must let go and trust Him.  Because Psalm 3:5 commands me to do so: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Well, I've got a friend that's also in the same boat as I am currently.  She texted me today expressing how she was having a rough day.  I tried offering her some of my tips/tricks that are helping me muddle through the hurdles we come to.  But, she was still discouraged.

So, I sat down and did something for her that I love doing for my friends.  When I don't know what to say, I pray.  And when I don't know the right words to say to uplift my friends, I type out special prayers for them that I've prayed to God.  Personally, I think it's one thing for someone to tell you that they're praying for you.  But it has a far greater impact when you get the chance to hear/see that prayer.  Plus, I love having something to come back to and read when I am down and need the strength and encouragement (hence blogging).

The thing about writing out prayers for my friends is that I find that praying these special prayers for them also brings me peace and comfort.  I think it's because when my friends are down, it hurts my heart as well.  And it all ties back in with Matthew 11:28 - "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Until I'm out of the woods, I will continue to pray fervently, trust wholeheartedly, and play this song on repeat in my head --