Random Thought Thursdays

It's been a while since I've done a random thought post.  So, here goes this week's installment...

ONE.  Anxiety.

Anxiety (and depression, too, for that matter) has been kicking my butt lately.  As in I've skipped out on hanging out with others everyday this week - mostly because I don't want people to see me when I'm feeling this low.  Sometimes, I wish anxiety/depression took a physical form so I could kick it's rear - because it's surely kicked my rear quite a bit here lately!

TWO.  Insomnia.

About as much as I'd like to kick anxiety/depression in the rear, I'd also like to do the same to insomnia.  I know I need sleep for my body to like me.  After all, not sleeping is a sure-fire trigger to getting a migraine (which I have gotten to experience here lately).  I wish I could convince my body that sleep is good, but it's sure dead set on maxing out at 3 hours of sleep per day.

THREE.  Neighbors.

With the move, I got new neighbors.  My one neighbor speaks zero English.  My other neighbor, who I've affectionately nicknamed "Girlfriend," wakes me up every morning at 4am (which is about the time I am finally able to fall asleep most nights).  Luckily, Girlfriend is moving soon.  Fingers crossed new neighbor will sleep till 6am.

I know this isn't a very optimistic post, but writing helps me make steps towards overcoming this depression/anxiety funk I'm currently in.  To echo last week's post, I'm trying...

A Powerful Life Moment

I am a pianist.

I've been playing piano for over 15 years now.

When I first started learning how to play piano, it was because I really wanted to play.  I had friends that played.  I loved sitting to watch them play.  There was something captivating I discovered with the piano.  I wasn't sure what it was, but it drew me in.  It was something I knew I needed to learn how to play.

As a kid, we had a recital every year.  And, every year, I dreaded it.  I hated playing the piano in front of others.  (Confession: I still hate playing the piano in front of others.)  I participated in the recital, though, because I honestly had no other choice.  I played my pieces I had practiced for months - all while visibly shaking in fright.  I never managed to get through any of my pieces without messing up.  But, I made my way through each piece, stood up, faked a smile, and quickly rushed back to my seat (hoping to crawl underneath it and hide) till the recital was finally over.

Very few people in my current life today know I play the piano.  One of my best friends, who I thought knew everything about my life, just recently found out I was a pianist.  It's not something I often talk about.  And it's something that usually shocks people when they find out.

I don't talk about it because, most people, when they find out you're a pianist, immediately ask you to play something for them.  I always refuse.  The most I'll play is a scale.  But that's it.

Last night, a friend of mine asked me how my week had been.  I told him I had been struggling with depression, and that I was trying to get back into writing to help with it.  He asked if he could read some of my writings.

So, here's the deal.  Yes, I have this blog.  Yes, I write blog posts on it (albeit not as often as I should).  But, my friends and family don't know I blog.  I've never shared this blog with them.  This blog has never come up in any conversation we've ever had.  While I have shared a few pictures of myself, I do my best to remain as anonymous as possible.

Why?  Because when I write, I find I am very honest and vulnerable.  The exact opposite of how I am in real life.  I write because that's how I feel emotions, that's how I figure out how I truly feel about events going on in my life.  I write for me.  That's it.  (See Goal #3)

After much hesitation, I decided to share my writings with him.  I sent him an email where I had copied and pasted a few of my most recent blog posts to him.  And then I waited for his response.  Minutes felt like hours.  And with each passing minute, I felt my anxiety level increase.  It increased to where I was visibly shaking.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I tried listening to music, but that didn't help calm me.  I knew why I was anxious; there was no need to sit there trying to understand my feelings.

Just when I thought I couldn't take the anxiety anymore, I got up and walked toward the piano.  I sat down and started playing.  The more I played, the more feeling I put into what I was playing, the more I kept my eyes closed and just felt the music, the less anxious I became.  When I finished, I let out a deep breath.  A breath it seemed I had been holding for hours.  And then I felt it.  It.  Peace.

As I went to stand up from the piano, it hit me.

The piano is my refuge because it's the one place where I can express my feelings.  I put my heart and soul into what I'm playing.  If I'm feeling happy and upbeat, that's reflected in what and how I play (upbeat, fast as my fingers can move, rag music).  If I'm feeling anxious, that, too, is reflected in what and how I play (slow, soft, flowy pedal pieces that I close my eyes and sway with as I play).

I don't play for others because my heart shows when I play.  If others see or hear me play, then they'll see my vulnerable side, a side I hide and keep to myself.  That is the exact reason why I get so anxious and nervous whenever I am forced to play for others.  And that is also the exact reason I avoid, at all costs, having to play for/in front of others.

I've been playing piano for over 15 years.  It has taken me over 15 years to realize that the peace I feel when I play comes not from the actual piano itself, but rather from me releasing my heart and my emotions as I play.

I stood up, and, all alone, in my quiet home, in the wee hours of the morning, I declared, "THAT was a powerful life moment!"

I am trying.

I haven't posted in months because I've been struggling to put the pieces of my life together.

Shortly after I made my last post, I was offered a job.  A good job, doing what I wanted to do.  Just not in the exact location I wanted to be in.  But it was too good of an offer to not accept it.

The job required me to move further South.  If I thought I had seen Southern hospitality before this move, I was mistaken.

But, the problem with this job is that it has taken my employer months to process my paperwork.  In the process, I've been told numerous different stories as to why it has taken so long.  Some of the stories even contradict other stories I was previously told.

I moved.  I gave up my familiar.  I gave up what I had made for my life.  I gave up what friends I had worked so hard to make (because I am the worst at making and keeping friends).  I gave up an amazing support system.  I gave up more than I've ever given up in life for a move.

And, in return, I got a whole lot of loneliness.  Loneliness and more rain than I've ever cared to see in my life.

I'm incredibly unhappy.  But, I'm trying.  I'm trying to remain optimistic that my employer will call me one of these weeks to tell me they're finally ready for me to start.  I'm trying to push my incredibly introverted self to be outgoing.  I'm trying to be friendly and force myself to smile, even when all I want to do is cry.  I'm trying to make friends, even though I can't seem to find people with similar ideals (and close in age) as me.  I'm trying.

There have been more bumps and bruises on this portion of my journey than I would have liked to experience.  But, I am trying.

I have to believe that if I keep pushing forward, one of these days, these pieces of my life will begin to fall into place.  I have to...

Courtesy of sayingquotes.blogspot.com via Google Images

I am broken.

Confession: I had a meltdown tonight.  Well, technically early this morning.  But whatever.

See, I was in bed trying to fall asleep.  When, out of nowhere, thoughts of my life pre-Deep South flooded into my head.

I began thinking about the friends I had during my college days.  The fun adventures I had while in college.  The not so fun adventures I had.

And then, he came to mind.  The guy who showed me how good being in a relationship can be.  The guy who forever changed my expectations and heart for the opposite sex.  Him.

The thoughts of him suddenly made me very angry.  Angry that our relationship happened when I was so young, too young to truly understood how good I had it.  Angry that he was so good to me.  Angry that he never hurt me the way other men have since hurt me.  Angry that he couldn't have come into my life later on, once I had started figuring out what being an adult truly meant.  Angry that he always knew how to calm me and bring comfort/peace to my heart.  Angry that things ended the way they did.  Angry that it's been 7 years, yes 7, since that relationship.  Angry that thoughts of him found their way back into my life.  Angry.

Then I remembered what a "friend" told me after we broke up and I was trying to figure out life again - "You need to get single friends.  People who are in relationships don't have time for single people."

The hurt that came into my heart when those words were first spoken to me flooded back into my heart.  Except this time, the sting was far more painful.  Painful because I have seen just how true those words are. Painful because I've seen just how few single people there are out there to develop friendships with.  Painful because I've seen so many of my single friends leave the singles' club this year and walk clear out of my life.  Painful.

I am single.  I am unemployed.  I am/feel alone.  I am overwhelmed.  I am broken.

My life has been shattered into so many tiny little pieces.  And I have completely forgotten how to use a broom in order to sweep all those pieces up in order to put myself back together and move on...

Random Thought Thursdays

It's Thursday.  I've got some random thoughts to share.  And it's been a while since I've shared any.  So, here goes nothing...

ONE.  Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortillo Chips

Photo courtesy of Food Should Taste Good

These!!  These things are my new addiction.  Like I've gone through 3 bags in one week addiction.  I've had them for every meal - breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  They're that good.  When this company decided on a name, they weren't joking.  Their food really does taste good!  And, bonus for me, other grocery stores have started carrying Food Should Taste Good products.  So no more running around town to find one of those coveted bags!  If you haven't tried these chips yet, you need to.  They're so good, they're gluten free, they're kosher, they're amazingly delicious.

TWO.  Cold weather

Before I get jumped for complaining about it being cold in February (which is technically winter), let me explain.  I live in the South, the deep South.  It is not supposed to be this cold for longer than 2 months, max.  We aren't supposed to get snow and severe ice storms here.  And yet we are.  It's cold, I hate it, and I'm ready for the typical 50 degree weather to come and stick around for a while!

THREE.  80's music

The gym I work out at decided to play 80's music today.  And I absolutely loved it!!  I was totally that annoying girl who was singing along with the songs while working out (quietly and very breathy, I might add).  Today's 80's album of choice was Footloose.  Hate me for this, but here's one of my favs!  Enjoy!

Irony of this song playing at my gym - my gym is a ladies only gym.  But, I still love this song!

While this list is shorter than my usual Random Thought Thursday posts, it is what it is.  I guess Facebook has cut back on my list of random things that annoy me (which typically seems to be what my Random Thought Thursdays center around).  Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it!

Feel free to share any random thoughts you have - whatever they may be!  Happy Thursday!!

Facebook Free!!

I finally did it.  After much annoyance, I finally had enough.

I deleted my Facebook account.

And you know what?  I haven't had one single moment where I've regretted it.

Not kidding.

The other day, a family member pulled up Facebook and began reading through the updates in their newsfeed.  The more they read, the happier I became that I no longer had access to that information.

Here's the thing - I do think Facebook has its perks, its time and place.  But, people posting   e v e r y   s i n g l e   d a y   what is going on in their life isn't it.  Seriously.  I no longer have access to the baby daddy drama, the "my [insert significant other here] is the best!" postings, the bragging of how blessed everyone's life is - and I don't miss it.

Sure, I could have limited my Facebook time.  Sure, I could have kept my account but rarely (if ever) logged into it.

But I didn't want to do any of that.  I wanted it permanently out of my life - no temptation to jump back on the wagon.

I've got enough friends and family members on Facebook to tell me if something major happens in someone's life.  My legit friends have my phone number and email address to tell me their special news themselves.  I don't need Facebook making me feel bad for being single, for being childless, for not being engaged/pregnant, for struggling to find who I truly am.  I don't need Facebook telling me I'm not a complete person because I don't partake of everything my "Facebook friends" partake of.  I don't need any of the extra drama in my life.

Hi.  My name is MDL, and it's been one week since I last Facebooked.  I quit cold turkey, and I don't regret it one bit.  [Steps off soap box]

5 Years

Today is my 5 year anniversary of officially being diagnosed with chronic migraines.

Not only is today my 5 year anniversary, but last week was the official 1 year mark for the last time I was hospitalized.

1 year ago today, I was at home recovering from a whirlwind hospitalization.  I was pretty much camped out on the couch, sleeping, and not moving.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital totally unsure of what was going on, completely nauseous, overcome with vertigo, struggling to see, and was covered in bruises from constantly falling into walls.

I've learned a lot in 5 years.

I've learned my limits.  Which means listening to my body.  Even when I don't want to exercise, I know my body will love me more if I take those 30 minutes out of my day.  Even when I want to go out, I know my body will be kinder to me if I take some time to relax and sneak in a nap.

I've learned to take the bad days with the good.  Not everyday is going to be a good day.  Just the other week, I woke up totally sick with vertigo.  I think I downed like 4 Gatorades in 2 days last week.  One month ago, I was on steroids, curled up with an electric blanket set on a high and a heating pad on my neck also set on high because my muscles were so tight it hurt to move.  But today, today I had a fantastic spin class followed by a great workout on the gym floor.

I've learned that I'm strong.  God has shown me my strength.  When I thought I had none left, He has blessed me with just what I needed to endure.  Yes, I have my weak moments.  But, I've learned my strength far outweighs my weaknesses.

So, if you're new to the migraine world, don't lose hope.  Keep fighting.  Don't give up.  I can't promise you every day will be a good day, but I can promise you that God will help you endure.