Thoughts on Botox

I'm a chronic migraine sufferer.  As if the title of my blog didn't give that away.

So, what does that mean?

It means that everyday brings its own physical struggles.  Some days, it's nausea.  Some days, it's dizziness (vertigo).  Some days, it's seeing random non-existent objects (usually some type of a bug).  Some days, it's feeling like my nerves are on fire.  Some days, it's pounding head pain.  Some days, it's a combination of all the above.

I do not take daily preventative medication.  [Insert shock here.]

I tried preventatives.  They didn't work.  They actually made the migraines worse.  And they brought a lot of other ugly side-effects into my life.

But not taking preventatives caused me to max out on my abortives.  Which led to me taking a ton of steroids.  And prescription pain pills.  All so I could just get out of bed.  And when I couldn't, off to the hospital for a 3-4 day stay I went.

I told my doctor I couldn't do it anymore.

So, he told me out about Botox injections.  Yes, Botox.  That stuff that rich women inject into their faces to get rid of their wrinkles.  Well, that toxin is known to do amazing things for migraineurs.

In July 2011, I got my first taste of Botox for migraines.  My doctor's secretary told me it was just 7 shots.  I don't do shots well.  Scratch that.  I don't do needles well.  But, I told myself I could handle 7.  After all, I could count them off on my hands!

After waiting in the office for 2 hours (and getting sick in the bathroom numerous times), I was finally called back.  And then my doctor dropped the bomb.  It's not 7 shots.  It's 31.  31.  [Insert me having a meltdown in the doctor's office, in front of my doctor, here.]  I literally cried through the entire procedure.  Balled my eyes out.  And, it took about an hour total to get it done.  Halfway through, my doctor told me I was brave.  As if him saying that would make me feel so much better about him giving me 31 shots in the head.  (It didn't, in case you were wondering.)

Since then, I've had it done 6 more times.  And, I haven't cried once!  But it still sucks.  So, here's what no one told me about getting 31 injections into your head.  (Okay, in all fairness to me, I googled it prior to getting it done and nothing came up because it had just recently been approved by the FDA for migraine treatment.)

1.  The procedure takes about 15-30 minutes.  It all depends on your doctor, their familiarity with the procedure, and whether or not you're crying so hard that the doctor gives you breaks to breathe so you don't pass out on him.

2.  It is considered in-office surgery.  So, if anyone ever tries to tell you to suck it up, it's no biggie, kindly inform them that insurance would beg to differ as it treats it quite differently than an office visit.

3.  I've been getting the injections for nearly 2 years.  I'm still not used to the fact that I cannot move my eyebrows.  Like at all.  I try.  Nothing happens.  I always ask my esthetician to wax my brow with an arch in it since I can't move them to show expression.  That way, it doesn't look like I'm angry 24/7.  I'm sure I'll be a sight to see when I'm 80 - a wrinkled prune from nose down, and straight wrinkle-free skin from eyes up.

4.  You can tell when the Botox is being injected.  Because it burns.  Not like it's on fire burns.  But definitely a stronger sensation than a sting.

5.  It takes 2 weeks for the injections to fully kick in.  But you will feel some immediate changes.  The biggest being that your skin will feel tight.  It's as if someone has pulled your skin as tightly as they can across your face.  I always want to rub my head after I get them done to loosen up my skin.  But, I never do because nothing good would come from that.

6.  You will have little needle marks on your forehead for a day or two following.  But, unless you're looking for them, they aren't noticeable.

7.  I always leave the office with at least one visible bruise.  Granted, I bruise easily.  It's almost to the point where when something happens, I can say with almost certainty that it'll bruise.  And it usually does.  This last time, my doctor asked me what I do about the bruises - cover them with makeup, part my hair differently, hide my face from the world.  Here's the honest answer (which I gave him) - I sport them proudly.  And, when people ask, I tell them my doctor did it.  Which is usually followed by the story that I get injections in my head, and it's from one of the injections.

8.  I take the day off from life the day I get the injections.  Here's why.  My doctor only does them on Fridays.  And, my appointment is usually around 10am.  I don't see the point of going into work for only an hour, especially on a Friday.  Once I get them, I'm exhausted.  As in I usually crash an hour or so afterwards exhausted.  Sleeping also helps my body relax, which helps me to not experience all the weird sensations your nerves/muscles go through as the Botox kicks in.  If I don't allow myself to have this downtime, I get a killer awful migraine.  It's a must for me.

9.  For all my loved ones, I've added my ninth tip.  Others don't like watching the procedure.  Apparently, it makes them super uncomfortable, nauseous, grateful they aren't the ones getting the 31 injections.  I've taken family/friends with me to distract me, comfort me, and (mostly) so they could visually experience it to understand the lengths I'm going to for relief.  Now, I go alone because family/friends can't watch it.  My doctor is usually pretty good about striking up some kind of non-injection related conversation with me.  But, I'm also not afraid to change the topic when he starts talking about the details of the procedure.

10.  It's all mind over matter.  Yes, it sucks.  No, it isn't fun.  But, if getting 31 shots in my head means I'll have the strength to get out of bed and actually function on a daily basis, 31 shots it is.

So, there are my top 10 thoughts on Botox - things I wish I would have known and that have taken me almost 2 years to learn.

If you have any other tips to add, please do so!  If you have any questions about the procedure (or days following), please ask!

PS  I usually refer to the procedure as my shots.  Because I hate having to explain to people why, at my age, I get Botox (and that insurance covers for me to be wrinkle-free).

Goal #4

I've seriously been neglecting this blog.

Here's why --

A lot of stuff has happened to me personally here lately.  Stuff that has caused me to really seriously doubt my faith in humanity.  Before you let your mind wander and think I'm referring to stuff going on in the news/media, I'm not.

I remember the day I officially came clean about this.  After I announced my feelings out loud, I felt like humanity felt the need to prove to me that I shouldn't have faith in it.  Repeatedly.

Here I am, 2 weeks later.

This weekend, I had a really powerful heart-to-heart with a very dear friend.  She said something to me that I'm throwing out in this blog world so that I won't forget it.  And because it's going on my list of goals for this journey (the reason why I started this blog).

This is what she said: "Focus on yourself.  Cut out the people who are sucking the joy out of your life."

I'm sure many people read that and think how absolutely cruel and harsh that is.  But, I read that and think how right she is!

I've let people into my life who treat me like trash.  They come around when they need something, when it's convenient for them.  But when I need a friend, they're always too busy.  Or, if they happen to be available, they come around to say hurtful things to me that only tear me down further.

So, this is the real sucky part of the journey.  The time where you find out who your true friends are and let yourself be okay with letting the others go.  The time where I find out who my true friends are.  The time where I allow myself to let go of those that only suck out my joy.  Not only give myself permission to do so, but to truly be okay with it.

It's the time to allow myself to experience joy - pure, unadulterated joy...