Thoughts on Botox

I'm a chronic migraine sufferer.  As if the title of my blog didn't give that away.

So, what does that mean?

It means that everyday brings its own physical struggles.  Some days, it's nausea.  Some days, it's dizziness (vertigo).  Some days, it's seeing random non-existent objects (usually some type of a bug).  Some days, it's feeling like my nerves are on fire.  Some days, it's pounding head pain.  Some days, it's a combination of all the above.

I do not take daily preventative medication.  [Insert shock here.]

I tried preventatives.  They didn't work.  They actually made the migraines worse.  And they brought a lot of other ugly side-effects into my life.

But not taking preventatives caused me to max out on my abortives.  Which led to me taking a ton of steroids.  And prescription pain pills.  All so I could just get out of bed.  And when I couldn't, off to the hospital for a 3-4 day stay I went.

I told my doctor I couldn't do it anymore.

So, he told me out about Botox injections.  Yes, Botox.  That stuff that rich women inject into their faces to get rid of their wrinkles.  Well, that toxin is known to do amazing things for migraineurs.

In July 2011, I got my first taste of Botox for migraines.  My doctor's secretary told me it was just 7 shots.  I don't do shots well.  Scratch that.  I don't do needles well.  But, I told myself I could handle 7.  After all, I could count them off on my hands!

After waiting in the office for 2 hours (and getting sick in the bathroom numerous times), I was finally called back.  And then my doctor dropped the bomb.  It's not 7 shots.  It's 31.  31.  [Insert me having a meltdown in the doctor's office, in front of my doctor, here.]  I literally cried through the entire procedure.  Balled my eyes out.  And, it took about an hour total to get it done.  Halfway through, my doctor told me I was brave.  As if him saying that would make me feel so much better about him giving me 31 shots in the head.  (It didn't, in case you were wondering.)

Since then, I've had it done 6 more times.  And, I haven't cried once!  But it still sucks.  So, here's what no one told me about getting 31 injections into your head.  (Okay, in all fairness to me, I googled it prior to getting it done and nothing came up because it had just recently been approved by the FDA for migraine treatment.)

1.  The procedure takes about 15-30 minutes.  It all depends on your doctor, their familiarity with the procedure, and whether or not you're crying so hard that the doctor gives you breaks to breathe so you don't pass out on him.

2.  It is considered in-office surgery.  So, if anyone ever tries to tell you to suck it up, it's no biggie, kindly inform them that insurance would beg to differ as it treats it quite differently than an office visit.

3.  I've been getting the injections for nearly 2 years.  I'm still not used to the fact that I cannot move my eyebrows.  Like at all.  I try.  Nothing happens.  I always ask my esthetician to wax my brow with an arch in it since I can't move them to show expression.  That way, it doesn't look like I'm angry 24/7.  I'm sure I'll be a sight to see when I'm 80 - a wrinkled prune from nose down, and straight wrinkle-free skin from eyes up.

4.  You can tell when the Botox is being injected.  Because it burns.  Not like it's on fire burns.  But definitely a stronger sensation than a sting.

5.  It takes 2 weeks for the injections to fully kick in.  But you will feel some immediate changes.  The biggest being that your skin will feel tight.  It's as if someone has pulled your skin as tightly as they can across your face.  I always want to rub my head after I get them done to loosen up my skin.  But, I never do because nothing good would come from that.

6.  You will have little needle marks on your forehead for a day or two following.  But, unless you're looking for them, they aren't noticeable.

7.  I always leave the office with at least one visible bruise.  Granted, I bruise easily.  It's almost to the point where when something happens, I can say with almost certainty that it'll bruise.  And it usually does.  This last time, my doctor asked me what I do about the bruises - cover them with makeup, part my hair differently, hide my face from the world.  Here's the honest answer (which I gave him) - I sport them proudly.  And, when people ask, I tell them my doctor did it.  Which is usually followed by the story that I get injections in my head, and it's from one of the injections.

8.  I take the day off from life the day I get the injections.  Here's why.  My doctor only does them on Fridays.  And, my appointment is usually around 10am.  I don't see the point of going into work for only an hour, especially on a Friday.  Once I get them, I'm exhausted.  As in I usually crash an hour or so afterwards exhausted.  Sleeping also helps my body relax, which helps me to not experience all the weird sensations your nerves/muscles go through as the Botox kicks in.  If I don't allow myself to have this downtime, I get a killer awful migraine.  It's a must for me.

9.  For all my loved ones, I've added my ninth tip.  Others don't like watching the procedure.  Apparently, it makes them super uncomfortable, nauseous, grateful they aren't the ones getting the 31 injections.  I've taken family/friends with me to distract me, comfort me, and (mostly) so they could visually experience it to understand the lengths I'm going to for relief.  Now, I go alone because family/friends can't watch it.  My doctor is usually pretty good about striking up some kind of non-injection related conversation with me.  But, I'm also not afraid to change the topic when he starts talking about the details of the procedure.

10.  It's all mind over matter.  Yes, it sucks.  No, it isn't fun.  But, if getting 31 shots in my head means I'll have the strength to get out of bed and actually function on a daily basis, 31 shots it is.

So, there are my top 10 thoughts on Botox - things I wish I would have known and that have taken me almost 2 years to learn.

If you have any other tips to add, please do so!  If you have any questions about the procedure (or days following), please ask!

PS  I usually refer to the procedure as my shots.  Because I hate having to explain to people why, at my age, I get Botox (and that insurance covers for me to be wrinkle-free).

Goal #4

I've seriously been neglecting this blog.

Here's why --

A lot of stuff has happened to me personally here lately.  Stuff that has caused me to really seriously doubt my faith in humanity.  Before you let your mind wander and think I'm referring to stuff going on in the news/media, I'm not.

I remember the day I officially came clean about this.  After I announced my feelings out loud, I felt like humanity felt the need to prove to me that I shouldn't have faith in it.  Repeatedly.

Here I am, 2 weeks later.

This weekend, I had a really powerful heart-to-heart with a very dear friend.  She said something to me that I'm throwing out in this blog world so that I won't forget it.  And because it's going on my list of goals for this journey (the reason why I started this blog).

This is what she said: "Focus on yourself.  Cut out the people who are sucking the joy out of your life."

I'm sure many people read that and think how absolutely cruel and harsh that is.  But, I read that and think how right she is!

I've let people into my life who treat me like trash.  They come around when they need something, when it's convenient for them.  But when I need a friend, they're always too busy.  Or, if they happen to be available, they come around to say hurtful things to me that only tear me down further.

So, this is the real sucky part of the journey.  The time where you find out who your true friends are and let yourself be okay with letting the others go.  The time where I find out who my true friends are.  The time where I allow myself to let go of those that only suck out my joy.  Not only give myself permission to do so, but to truly be okay with it.

It's the time to allow myself to experience joy - pure, unadulterated joy...

Why me?

I've heard so many people say this phrase.

It's often said after a diagnosis or on a day where you're really struggling.

Whenever I hear it, I often think to myself about how people are forgetting one word in that sentence.  One small little word.

And that word is 'not.'

Why not me??

This is why I say God blessed me with chronic migraines, depression, whatever other challenges I may face in life - physical or mental.

My friends all know if they get a headache, I'm going to have some Aleve/Ibuproen on me.  And I don't mind one bit giving them one of those OTC pills to provide them with some relief.

Those who know me know that, should they be struggling with depression, I have no problem driving over to their house and getting them out of bed.  Pulling them out of bed if need be.

I think a lot of people with any kind of struggle in life are afraid to share it.  Afraid of what others will think once they find out.  Afraid of how others will judge them.

The beautiful thing about being open about our struggles is that others know that if they are facing the same challenges, they can openly talk to you about it.  You know what it's like.  You know how hard it can be to fight and overcome.

Most importantly, they know that you won't judge them for their struggles and challenges.

So, why not me??

God chose to bless me with all off these challenges.  On what grounds do I have to question Him?? Him - my Father, our Creator, my first love.

If, in God so blessing me, I can help others with their struggles and challenges, then this I ask -- why not me?

Everyone has a story...

The first goal of my journey has been set -

Goal #1: Always keep an open mind.  Everyone has a story.  Be open to listening, be open to looking past the physical, be open to hearing others' stories, be open to sharing, open up yourself - your heart . . . be open.

Having a story - that's where this journey began.

Instead of referring to your past as "your past," I have a friend who refers to it as "sharing your story."

I absolutely love that!  How many of us cringe when we think about or are referenced to our past?  Those two little words carry such a bad connotation with them. 

But how many of us cringe at the thought of sharing a story?

Think about it... How often do we avoid the questions about our past simply because of all the regrets we have regarding it? 

But, let's be honest, our past is our past.  It belongs to us.  It is personal.  It is a story.  A written story that we cannot change - despite how badly we wish we could.

Compare this to the last book you read.  You read it.  Sure there are parts of the book that you still don't remember.  But, when it comes to the basic plot of the story, you still remember it; you remember the high ups and the low downs.  You can't go back and change what you read.  It's done.  It's read.  Even though the ending may have been completely awful, that's how it ended.  You can't change that.

The same applies for our life.  Except, when it comes to your life, you're the author.

I do a fair amount of writing with my life.  Are there things I've written that I'm not totally happy with?  Yeah.  But I can't go back and change it now.  It's been submitted.  It's been read.  It is what it is.  I can't change it.

Each day, you write the story of your life.  Everyone's life story has its moments - its ups, its downs, its moments we wish we could take back. 

Regardless, part of our story is already written.  The rest, well, we continue to write it daily.

Consider this - how often do we try to hide certain parts of our story from others due to shame?  At the same time, how often do we look down on others - judge them, if you will - for certain parts of their life story?

How fair is that??

The simple answer: it isn't.

And the truth of the matter is just this -- we are all guilty of it.

We all have parts of our story that we wish we could tear out of the book, burn, and pretend like it never happened.  Yet, when others have the courage to share those pages of their story with us, we judge. 

Notice the word I used there - courage.

I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of this.  I'm guilty of judging others simply because they have courage.  Courage, a character trait I often lack though like to believe I have in plenty.

We all have a story.  And one little life event (or, in my case, one diagnosis), doesn't define us or set the plot for our stories - despite what we've told ourselves for years.  Despite what I have convinced myself to believe throughout the years.

Have courage.  Share your story!  And most importantly, don't look down on those (perhaps even judge them) who happen to have more courage than you do.

Which leads me to the second goal of my journey -

Goal #2:  Have courage.  Share your story.  Take the time to listen to others who share their stories.  Don't be afraid.  And, above all, don't judge others for possessing courage.