Happy 2014!!

And...we're back!! New year, new opportunities, new chances to live life despite the chronic migraines!  Bring it on, 2014, bring it on!!

I got to looking at my recent blog roll, and I realized - I haven't had a "chronic migraine life" post in a while (which is ironic considering that's the purpose of this blog).  So, I thought it was about time to write one...

I've been MIA these past couple of weeks for two reasons: (1) I was enjoying the holidays with my family, and (2) I was dealing with migraine symptoms.

So, I was late getting my shots this round, again.  I got the flu the week I was supposed to get them, so I had to cancel.  I'm pretty sure doctors prefer patients who shower, and I hadn't done that in days since I was so sick.  I'm also pretty sure doctors prefer patients to not infect them.  Well, their next availability wasn't till 5 weeks after my actual appointment date.

About a week before my appointment, the previous round of shots had worn off.  My forehead had a few wrinkles.  My neck was so tight that my mobility was very limited.  My shoulders hunched up towards my ears as the muscles tightened into knots.  And the pain spread down my back all the way to my legs to where it became painful to walk.

The doctor put me on steroids to help (hate those darn pills).  I also spent much time under an electric blanket set on high with heating pad underneath me, also set on high.

Finally, my appointment arrived.  With the muscles being as tight as they were, this round of injections was rather painful and quite unpleasant.

And then came waiting the two weeks for them to fully kick in.  Slowly, my legs started feeling better.  Then my back.  Then my neck.  And, finally, my head.

Now that that's taken care of and out of the way (until my next round, that is), I shall attempt to resume my normal blogging schedule, whatever that is...

Foreshadowing

Well, my confused nerves are officially unconfused and back to working as "normal people nerves" work.

Which means hello migraine - Day 7.

Been on steroids since Day 4.  Like heavy duty steroids.  When the steroids are in my system and working, life is bearable.  When they wear off, life sucks and I feel like poop.

All set up to get my shots on Friday.  Although I'm worried that by the time I roll in on Friday, I'll be too far gone for the shots to provide the relief they usually do.

Saving my last abortive for the week for my dear friend's wedding on Saturday.  Because that's one event that I'd really like to enjoy and be present (physically and mentally) for.

Regardless, I foresee yet another hospitalization in my near future.  Not the dream vacation I had planned, but at least I'm on vacation and don't have to worry about missing out on important life events (like work, school, socialization activities, etc.).

Wish I could blog more, but my head just can't handle it right now.

Next post likely to revolve around being hospitalized for a migraine.  One, because I've never blogged about that before.  And two, because it's looking like that's what's about to happen to me...

Stay tuned!

Insomnia

Being an insomniac and being a migraineur isn't the greatest combo.

Separately, those two things aren't fun.  Together - really not fun.

Well, about a month ago, I started studying for my licensing exam.  Which means studying about 10 hours a day, every day.  Which also means lots of stress.

Stress, migraines, and insomnia.  Incredibly not fun.

After getting 2 hours of sleep max a night for like 3 weeks straight, I finally reached my breaking point.  Physically and emotionally.

For some odd reason, I tend to have all my emotional breakdowns in my car.  No clue why.  It's just my place.

Well, Monday was meltdown Monday for me.

The stress, the exhaustion, the abuse I've been putting myself through, the frustration with self - it all came crashing down.

I ended up in my car, melting down, calling the doctor leaving some rambling message through tears begging for help.  I'd probably be embarrassed about leaving a message where I'm in total hot mess mode, but for the fact that my doctor has seen me at my best and at my worst.  So I allow myself to be okay with letting him see/hear me in hot mess mode.  After all, allowing him to see that side of me really has helped with our relationship and treatment plan.

1 hour later, I was off to the pharmacy to get some sleeping pills courtesy of my wonderful doctor - because Benadryl, camomile tea, hot showers, working out, meditation, combo of all the above was not inducing sleep.  

I've never been a good sleeper.  But these pills have made me realize just how bad of a sleeper I am!  I mean, I knew getting 2 hours of sleep a night was not good or normal.  But I honestly don't think I ever experienced REM sleep till this week.

I've been in bed, asleep, before 1am every night.  I'm usually up, wide awake, till 4am.  Ok, let's be honest, more like 5am.  So being asleep and staying asleep all night long is a totally new thing for me.  And I'm totally loving it.

My doctor has always harped to me how important sleep is for my migraines.  I always understood that.  But I never truly understood it till this week.  It's crazy how sleep really does help with the migraines!

Here's my only negative thought on sleeping pills -- for some reason, they take 2 hours to knock me out.  But, after about an hour, my legs are asleep (figured that one out the hard way).  My body is more eager to shut down than my mind, but isn't that how it often is?  

Despite everyone warning me about the crazy side effects, the only thing "crazy" I've done thus far is flipped my pillow over in my sleep.  I can most definitely handle that kind of crazy!

All in all, the pros outweigh the cons.  

And, while stress isn't all that fun, it's far more bearable (and easier to handle) than stress + migraines + insomnia.

Isolation Cycle

I haven't been the best blogger.

I think part of the reason I'm not a great committed blogger is because, somewhere, I got the idea that I should only post when I have something encouraging and uplifting to say.

Yes, it is great to see that people with chronic migraines can live life.  But, no one lives an absolutely perfect life.  Life is full of ups and downs.  Why should living the chronic migraine life be any different?

I've been having a down day.  Correction.  I've been having a down week.

Migraines can be/are very isolating.  Because of the pain, the sensitivity to light/sound/smells, migraineurs often spend a lot of time alone.

Having a lot of alone time usually means you don't have the most amazing social life.  Because unless your friends suffer from migraines, they don't truly get it.

I know I spend too much time alone.  Even when I'm not having a bad migraine day, I usually prefer to be home alone.  I guess it's just become my "comfort zone."

I often find myself getting frustrated with myself.  I know I shouldn't be spending this much time alone.  But I am.  I know I make excuses to spend time alone.  I'm probably the most awkward person I know, particularly when it comes to social settings.  So, if I can find a way out of having to put myself in a social situation - especially one where I know I'll be forced to put myself out there and (heaven forbid) actually have to talk to people I don't know - I'll find that way out.

It's become a cycle.  This continuous cycle that I don't know how to break.  Because every time I try to break it, I find myself coming back to it.  After all, it is my comfort zone...

Sometimes, migraines just suck...

Sometimes, all the positivity and love in the world won't fight off a migraine.

Sometimes, you just have to give in to the pain.

Sometimes, enough is enough.

It's these times where I remind myself that asking for help doesn't make me weak.

It's these times where I remind myself that taking medication doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It's these times where I realize how blessed I am.

Blessed to have the doctor I do who listens and is willing to help.

Blessed to have friends who will run to the pharmacy to get the meds for me.

Blessed to have family who remind me that my migraines don't define me.

Blessed to have had these migraines enough to recognize the signs of when my crazy migraine side is coming out.

Blessed.

So, even though migraines just suck sometimes, they also provide a great opportunity for me to realize just how truly blessed I am.