Thoughts on Botox

I'm a chronic migraine sufferer.  As if the title of my blog didn't give that away.

So, what does that mean?

It means that everyday brings its own physical struggles.  Some days, it's nausea.  Some days, it's dizziness (vertigo).  Some days, it's seeing random non-existent objects (usually some type of a bug).  Some days, it's feeling like my nerves are on fire.  Some days, it's pounding head pain.  Some days, it's a combination of all the above.

I do not take daily preventative medication.  [Insert shock here.]

I tried preventatives.  They didn't work.  They actually made the migraines worse.  And they brought a lot of other ugly side-effects into my life.

But not taking preventatives caused me to max out on my abortives.  Which led to me taking a ton of steroids.  And prescription pain pills.  All so I could just get out of bed.  And when I couldn't, off to the hospital for a 3-4 day stay I went.

I told my doctor I couldn't do it anymore.

So, he told me out about Botox injections.  Yes, Botox.  That stuff that rich women inject into their faces to get rid of their wrinkles.  Well, that toxin is known to do amazing things for migraineurs.

In July 2011, I got my first taste of Botox for migraines.  My doctor's secretary told me it was just 7 shots.  I don't do shots well.  Scratch that.  I don't do needles well.  But, I told myself I could handle 7.  After all, I could count them off on my hands!

After waiting in the office for 2 hours (and getting sick in the bathroom numerous times), I was finally called back.  And then my doctor dropped the bomb.  It's not 7 shots.  It's 31.  31.  [Insert me having a meltdown in the doctor's office, in front of my doctor, here.]  I literally cried through the entire procedure.  Balled my eyes out.  And, it took about an hour total to get it done.  Halfway through, my doctor told me I was brave.  As if him saying that would make me feel so much better about him giving me 31 shots in the head.  (It didn't, in case you were wondering.)

Since then, I've had it done 6 more times.  And, I haven't cried once!  But it still sucks.  So, here's what no one told me about getting 31 injections into your head.  (Okay, in all fairness to me, I googled it prior to getting it done and nothing came up because it had just recently been approved by the FDA for migraine treatment.)

1.  The procedure takes about 15-30 minutes.  It all depends on your doctor, their familiarity with the procedure, and whether or not you're crying so hard that the doctor gives you breaks to breathe so you don't pass out on him.

2.  It is considered in-office surgery.  So, if anyone ever tries to tell you to suck it up, it's no biggie, kindly inform them that insurance would beg to differ as it treats it quite differently than an office visit.

3.  I've been getting the injections for nearly 2 years.  I'm still not used to the fact that I cannot move my eyebrows.  Like at all.  I try.  Nothing happens.  I always ask my esthetician to wax my brow with an arch in it since I can't move them to show expression.  That way, it doesn't look like I'm angry 24/7.  I'm sure I'll be a sight to see when I'm 80 - a wrinkled prune from nose down, and straight wrinkle-free skin from eyes up.

4.  You can tell when the Botox is being injected.  Because it burns.  Not like it's on fire burns.  But definitely a stronger sensation than a sting.

5.  It takes 2 weeks for the injections to fully kick in.  But you will feel some immediate changes.  The biggest being that your skin will feel tight.  It's as if someone has pulled your skin as tightly as they can across your face.  I always want to rub my head after I get them done to loosen up my skin.  But, I never do because nothing good would come from that.

6.  You will have little needle marks on your forehead for a day or two following.  But, unless you're looking for them, they aren't noticeable.

7.  I always leave the office with at least one visible bruise.  Granted, I bruise easily.  It's almost to the point where when something happens, I can say with almost certainty that it'll bruise.  And it usually does.  This last time, my doctor asked me what I do about the bruises - cover them with makeup, part my hair differently, hide my face from the world.  Here's the honest answer (which I gave him) - I sport them proudly.  And, when people ask, I tell them my doctor did it.  Which is usually followed by the story that I get injections in my head, and it's from one of the injections.

8.  I take the day off from life the day I get the injections.  Here's why.  My doctor only does them on Fridays.  And, my appointment is usually around 10am.  I don't see the point of going into work for only an hour, especially on a Friday.  Once I get them, I'm exhausted.  As in I usually crash an hour or so afterwards exhausted.  Sleeping also helps my body relax, which helps me to not experience all the weird sensations your nerves/muscles go through as the Botox kicks in.  If I don't allow myself to have this downtime, I get a killer awful migraine.  It's a must for me.

9.  For all my loved ones, I've added my ninth tip.  Others don't like watching the procedure.  Apparently, it makes them super uncomfortable, nauseous, grateful they aren't the ones getting the 31 injections.  I've taken family/friends with me to distract me, comfort me, and (mostly) so they could visually experience it to understand the lengths I'm going to for relief.  Now, I go alone because family/friends can't watch it.  My doctor is usually pretty good about striking up some kind of non-injection related conversation with me.  But, I'm also not afraid to change the topic when he starts talking about the details of the procedure.

10.  It's all mind over matter.  Yes, it sucks.  No, it isn't fun.  But, if getting 31 shots in my head means I'll have the strength to get out of bed and actually function on a daily basis, 31 shots it is.

So, there are my top 10 thoughts on Botox - things I wish I would have known and that have taken me almost 2 years to learn.

If you have any other tips to add, please do so!  If you have any questions about the procedure (or days following), please ask!

PS  I usually refer to the procedure as my shots.  Because I hate having to explain to people why, at my age, I get Botox (and that insurance covers for me to be wrinkle-free).

Goal #4

I've seriously been neglecting this blog.

Here's why --

A lot of stuff has happened to me personally here lately.  Stuff that has caused me to really seriously doubt my faith in humanity.  Before you let your mind wander and think I'm referring to stuff going on in the news/media, I'm not.

I remember the day I officially came clean about this.  After I announced my feelings out loud, I felt like humanity felt the need to prove to me that I shouldn't have faith in it.  Repeatedly.

Here I am, 2 weeks later.

This weekend, I had a really powerful heart-to-heart with a very dear friend.  She said something to me that I'm throwing out in this blog world so that I won't forget it.  And because it's going on my list of goals for this journey (the reason why I started this blog).

This is what she said: "Focus on yourself.  Cut out the people who are sucking the joy out of your life."

I'm sure many people read that and think how absolutely cruel and harsh that is.  But, I read that and think how right she is!

I've let people into my life who treat me like trash.  They come around when they need something, when it's convenient for them.  But when I need a friend, they're always too busy.  Or, if they happen to be available, they come around to say hurtful things to me that only tear me down further.

So, this is the real sucky part of the journey.  The time where you find out who your true friends are and let yourself be okay with letting the others go.  The time where I find out who my true friends are.  The time where I allow myself to let go of those that only suck out my joy.  Not only give myself permission to do so, but to truly be okay with it.

It's the time to allow myself to experience joy - pure, unadulterated joy...

Everything will be alright...

It's the wee hours of the morning.

I know this because the birds outside my window have started their morning chirps.

I'm curled up in bed with blankets and pillows.

My comforter is still in the dryer, where it's been for the past 2 days.

I've been fighting the flu for the past week.  Laziness has most definitely been the theme of the past week plus of my life.

Not only am I curled under blankets, but the blankets consist of my living room blanket and a flat sheet I pulled out of the dryer (right before I threw the comforter in).  While I've got sheets on my bed, the flat sheet I'm curled up under isn't the sheet on the bed.  It's just some random flat sheet.  That doesn't match.  But is oh so warm and comfy.

Today, I will go back out into the world.

Today, I will put on real clothes rather than just sweats and/or pjs.

Today, I will no longer use the excuse that I'm sick with the flu - mostly because I'm over the flu.

Today, I may have to fake happiness to get through the day.  But I will get through today.  I will.

And, as if there aren't enough ironies in my life - my Pandora just started playing "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

I'm not quite sure where I am right now.  I know I've got a lot of struggles going on internally.  I'm not sure I know how and/or am ready to verbalize those struggles yet.  I've been up all night long.  As in I haven't slept one minute since the sun set to the sun now rising.  My mind is racing, there's so much going on, yet I can't vocalize it.  At least, not yet.

So, to sum it up in the words of Jimmy Eat World --

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright.

Watch Your Walls!

While browsing the internet the other night, I came across this amazing photo.

It's almost as if it were made for me.

This photo pretty much sums up what got me started on this journey.

So, I share it now with you all.

Hopefully, it'll be a reminder to you (as it is to me) that there is FAR more to us than what the world may see and try to define us as - and the things the world tells us that we feel as though we must accept.

Remember: you are more than a diagnosis. Don't let a small aspect of your life define your life.

PS  If I could remember where this photo came from, I would totally give the photo credit.  My apologizes to wherever it came from!

Sometimes, migraines just suck...

Sometimes, all the positivity and love in the world won't fight off a migraine.

Sometimes, you just have to give in to the pain.

Sometimes, enough is enough.

It's these times where I remind myself that asking for help doesn't make me weak.

It's these times where I remind myself that taking medication doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It's these times where I realize how blessed I am.

Blessed to have the doctor I do who listens and is willing to help.

Blessed to have friends who will run to the pharmacy to get the meds for me.

Blessed to have family who remind me that my migraines don't define me.

Blessed to have had these migraines enough to recognize the signs of when my crazy migraine side is coming out.

Blessed.

So, even though migraines just suck sometimes, they also provide a great opportunity for me to realize just how truly blessed I am.

The gift of YOU!

The holiday season is officially upon us!

While many are rejoicing, chronic migraine sufferers are likely hiding out in their dark bedrooms with their meds and a cool rag over their head.

Here's the question of the season - why do migraines (or any other chronic illness) tend to flare up during this time of year, the time of year where we so badly want to be out celebrating and not hiding inside in pain?

While there are many factors (food choices, weather changes, cold/flu season, etc.), it often boils down to one thing.

Stress.

Stress.  It gets us chronic sufferers every time.  We think we can make it and then, BAM, stress hits.  And with it, it brings the migraines, the retreating to quiet, to safety, to seclusion.

I know what you're thinking...stress is a factor of life.  How can you escape it??

As simple as the answer sounds, execution of it is anything but.

The solution - take time to take care of you.

I'm not just referring to taking your daily meds or popping your abortive medication.

I'm talking about ALL of you - the physical, the spiritual, and the psychological you.

Yes, my friends.  I said it.  The psychological you.

But how, you ask? How can you take care of the psychological you??

Stop.  Take a time out.  Make time for you.

Craft, bake, blog, read, soak in the tub, write, sing, pray, breathe.

This holiday season, don't forget to give yourself a gift - the gift of a time out.  Time to enjoy, time to think, time to relax, time to breathe, time for you.

Happy holidays!! May the Lord continue to watch over and bless you not only this time of year, but in the upcoming year (bring it on 2013!).

Why me?

I've heard so many people say this phrase.

It's often said after a diagnosis or on a day where you're really struggling.

Whenever I hear it, I often think to myself about how people are forgetting one word in that sentence.  One small little word.

And that word is 'not.'

Why not me??

This is why I say God blessed me with chronic migraines, depression, whatever other challenges I may face in life - physical or mental.

My friends all know if they get a headache, I'm going to have some Aleve/Ibuproen on me.  And I don't mind one bit giving them one of those OTC pills to provide them with some relief.

Those who know me know that, should they be struggling with depression, I have no problem driving over to their house and getting them out of bed.  Pulling them out of bed if need be.

I think a lot of people with any kind of struggle in life are afraid to share it.  Afraid of what others will think once they find out.  Afraid of how others will judge them.

The beautiful thing about being open about our struggles is that others know that if they are facing the same challenges, they can openly talk to you about it.  You know what it's like.  You know how hard it can be to fight and overcome.

Most importantly, they know that you won't judge them for their struggles and challenges.

So, why not me??

God chose to bless me with all off these challenges.  On what grounds do I have to question Him?? Him - my Father, our Creator, my first love.

If, in God so blessing me, I can help others with their struggles and challenges, then this I ask -- why not me?