Goal #4

I've seriously been neglecting this blog.

Here's why --

A lot of stuff has happened to me personally here lately.  Stuff that has caused me to really seriously doubt my faith in humanity.  Before you let your mind wander and think I'm referring to stuff going on in the news/media, I'm not.

I remember the day I officially came clean about this.  After I announced my feelings out loud, I felt like humanity felt the need to prove to me that I shouldn't have faith in it.  Repeatedly.

Here I am, 2 weeks later.

This weekend, I had a really powerful heart-to-heart with a very dear friend.  She said something to me that I'm throwing out in this blog world so that I won't forget it.  And because it's going on my list of goals for this journey (the reason why I started this blog).

This is what she said: "Focus on yourself.  Cut out the people who are sucking the joy out of your life."

I'm sure many people read that and think how absolutely cruel and harsh that is.  But, I read that and think how right she is!

I've let people into my life who treat me like trash.  They come around when they need something, when it's convenient for them.  But when I need a friend, they're always too busy.  Or, if they happen to be available, they come around to say hurtful things to me that only tear me down further.

So, this is the real sucky part of the journey.  The time where you find out who your true friends are and let yourself be okay with letting the others go.  The time where I find out who my true friends are.  The time where I allow myself to let go of those that only suck out my joy.  Not only give myself permission to do so, but to truly be okay with it.

It's the time to allow myself to experience joy - pure, unadulterated joy...

Everything will be alright...

It's the wee hours of the morning.

I know this because the birds outside my window have started their morning chirps.

I'm curled up in bed with blankets and pillows.

My comforter is still in the dryer, where it's been for the past 2 days.

I've been fighting the flu for the past week.  Laziness has most definitely been the theme of the past week plus of my life.

Not only am I curled under blankets, but the blankets consist of my living room blanket and a flat sheet I pulled out of the dryer (right before I threw the comforter in).  While I've got sheets on my bed, the flat sheet I'm curled up under isn't the sheet on the bed.  It's just some random flat sheet.  That doesn't match.  But is oh so warm and comfy.

Today, I will go back out into the world.

Today, I will put on real clothes rather than just sweats and/or pjs.

Today, I will no longer use the excuse that I'm sick with the flu - mostly because I'm over the flu.

Today, I may have to fake happiness to get through the day.  But I will get through today.  I will.

And, as if there aren't enough ironies in my life - my Pandora just started playing "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

I'm not quite sure where I am right now.  I know I've got a lot of struggles going on internally.  I'm not sure I know how and/or am ready to verbalize those struggles yet.  I've been up all night long.  As in I haven't slept one minute since the sun set to the sun now rising.  My mind is racing, there's so much going on, yet I can't vocalize it.  At least, not yet.

So, to sum it up in the words of Jimmy Eat World --

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright.

Watch Your Walls!

While browsing the internet the other night, I came across this amazing photo.

It's almost as if it were made for me.

This photo pretty much sums up what got me started on this journey.

So, I share it now with you all.

Hopefully, it'll be a reminder to you (as it is to me) that there is FAR more to us than what the world may see and try to define us as - and the things the world tells us that we feel as though we must accept.

Remember: you are more than a diagnosis. Don't let a small aspect of your life define your life.

PS  If I could remember where this photo came from, I would totally give the photo credit.  My apologizes to wherever it came from!

Sometimes, migraines just suck...

Sometimes, all the positivity and love in the world won't fight off a migraine.

Sometimes, you just have to give in to the pain.

Sometimes, enough is enough.

It's these times where I remind myself that asking for help doesn't make me weak.

It's these times where I remind myself that taking medication doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It's these times where I realize how blessed I am.

Blessed to have the doctor I do who listens and is willing to help.

Blessed to have friends who will run to the pharmacy to get the meds for me.

Blessed to have family who remind me that my migraines don't define me.

Blessed to have had these migraines enough to recognize the signs of when my crazy migraine side is coming out.

Blessed.

So, even though migraines just suck sometimes, they also provide a great opportunity for me to realize just how truly blessed I am.

The gift of YOU!

The holiday season is officially upon us!

While many are rejoicing, chronic migraine sufferers are likely hiding out in their dark bedrooms with their meds and a cool rag over their head.

Here's the question of the season - why do migraines (or any other chronic illness) tend to flare up during this time of year, the time of year where we so badly want to be out celebrating and not hiding inside in pain?

While there are many factors (food choices, weather changes, cold/flu season, etc.), it often boils down to one thing.

Stress.

Stress.  It gets us chronic sufferers every time.  We think we can make it and then, BAM, stress hits.  And with it, it brings the migraines, the retreating to quiet, to safety, to seclusion.

I know what you're thinking...stress is a factor of life.  How can you escape it??

As simple as the answer sounds, execution of it is anything but.

The solution - take time to take care of you.

I'm not just referring to taking your daily meds or popping your abortive medication.

I'm talking about ALL of you - the physical, the spiritual, and the psychological you.

Yes, my friends.  I said it.  The psychological you.

But how, you ask? How can you take care of the psychological you??

Stop.  Take a time out.  Make time for you.

Craft, bake, blog, read, soak in the tub, write, sing, pray, breathe.

This holiday season, don't forget to give yourself a gift - the gift of a time out.  Time to enjoy, time to think, time to relax, time to breathe, time for you.

Happy holidays!! May the Lord continue to watch over and bless you not only this time of year, but in the upcoming year (bring it on 2013!).

Why me?

I've heard so many people say this phrase.

It's often said after a diagnosis or on a day where you're really struggling.

Whenever I hear it, I often think to myself about how people are forgetting one word in that sentence.  One small little word.

And that word is 'not.'

Why not me??

This is why I say God blessed me with chronic migraines, depression, whatever other challenges I may face in life - physical or mental.

My friends all know if they get a headache, I'm going to have some Aleve/Ibuproen on me.  And I don't mind one bit giving them one of those OTC pills to provide them with some relief.

Those who know me know that, should they be struggling with depression, I have no problem driving over to their house and getting them out of bed.  Pulling them out of bed if need be.

I think a lot of people with any kind of struggle in life are afraid to share it.  Afraid of what others will think once they find out.  Afraid of how others will judge them.

The beautiful thing about being open about our struggles is that others know that if they are facing the same challenges, they can openly talk to you about it.  You know what it's like.  You know how hard it can be to fight and overcome.

Most importantly, they know that you won't judge them for their struggles and challenges.

So, why not me??

God chose to bless me with all off these challenges.  On what grounds do I have to question Him?? Him - my Father, our Creator, my first love.

If, in God so blessing me, I can help others with their struggles and challenges, then this I ask -- why not me?

Why I Blog

There are many things I struggle with in life.

But, close to being at the top of my list of struggles is sharing my emotions.

Emotions.

They're something we all experience.

But it's also something we all have a different way of showing.

I'm a hider of emotions.

I think it all ties back to having a chronic illness.

In the eyes of others, you are always sick.  It's all in your head.  You need to get over yourself and then your life will get better.

I heard those phrases so many times in my life that I began to shut down.  Notice - I didn't say I believed them (because that couldn't have been further from the truth).  I simply just shut down.

Sure, I was in serious pain.  But unless I truly trusted you, you didn't know.  I smiled a fake smile.  When asked how I was feeling, I'd always respond with a "good" or a "fine," even when that wasn't the truth.

Here's the thing, though -- not only do I struggle with showing emotion, but I struggle with how to deal with situations where others are showing emotion.

I find emotional situations to be awkward, uncomfortable, and situations in which I want to flee as fast as possible from.

Ultimately, this is why I blog.

I still am struggling with how to experience emotions, show emotions, not be perceived as "cold-hearted" or "shut out."

Writing, blogging, helps me figure out how to express emotions through words.  Once I am able to see how I feel, that helps me to understand how I feel and thus fully experience emotions.

I don't blog so I can be the next professional blogger.

I blog so I can find me.  Learn who I am.  And, eventually, (or maybe even hopefully) begin to understand and accept myself for being just that - me.

Goal #3 for my journey: Ignore my blog statistics. Remember that I'm doing this for me and only me.  I am giving myself permission to allow myself to write about, experience, feel whatever emotions may come my way.  And I'm not going to let my Blogger stats (however high or low they may be) get in the way of this journey - my journey.