Random Thought Thursdays

So, I suck at blogging (even though I promised myself I would recommit to it).  Tell me something I don't know.  Moving right along...

Life is still working on figuring itself out.  Correction - I'm still working on trying to figure out my life.  I could be like a large portion of my Facebook newsfeed and thank Obama for still being unsure about life, but I doubt he'll ever read this blog.  Plus, it's not like I'm blameless in this situation.  So what's the point?

Speaking of Facebook newsfeed, the other day I vented to a friend about how much Facebook annoys me at times.  Yet, I can't bring myself to delete my account.  I still have yet to figure out why I continue to torture myself.

All those frustrations led me to the realization that I have a blog.  A blog that I was supposed to be recommitted to.  So, why not start posting all my random thoughts (or rants) here?  Because surely I can't be the only one with these thoughts.

Here's the premiere Random Thought Thursdays post (which could possibly be the last one) --

ONE: Elf on the Shelf.

In case you don't have friends with kids - because I've got tons - this is what I'm about to complain about.  Just giving you a heads up!

Ok, I'll admit, I'm not married and I don't have kids.  So maybe I don't truly "get it."  But, I've seen all my Facebook friends post their adorable elves making unadorable messes on Facebook for a few years now.  Year one, it was cute.  Year two, it was starting to get annoying.  Now, I am seeing more posts of these elves doing dirty (as in inappropriate) things and parents complaining about having to come up with something creative to do with said elves.  Look, if you have to position a child's toy into an inappropriate position/act to find joy, inspiration, motivation to get your kid to behave, it's time to move on.  Try something crazy like disciplining your child when they act up, or telling them "No!", or giving them the classic "Mom look" I got quite a bit of growing up, or (going way out there extreme here) try reading the Bible with them so they see they should behave because God commands them to do so (see Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20).

TWO: Take Note Single Men!

In case you didn't read point one, let me restate the obvious.  I am single. Husbandless.  Childless.  Which means I do basically every life task alone.  Drive places in my car - alone.  Grocery shop - alone.  Live - alone.  I'm alone.  Now, I'm not crying or complaining over that (shout out to my therapist!).  Being alone has been the story of the past 7 years of my life.  But what I am asking is that if you're a dude and you see me out alone, please find a good, creative way to hit on me.  I've heard the classic, awful, cheesy pick-up lines.  Want to win my heart, or my number at the very least, get creative.  Better yet, just be honest with me!  No need trying to be someone you're not.  Truth: if you can make me sincerely laugh - as opposed to awkward, get me out of here ASAP because I'm uncomfortable laugh - there's a good possibility I'll take you up on your date offer.

THREE: Birthday Celebrations.

My 21st birthday celebration, where I managed to blow the candles clear out of the cake.  Because that's how my birthday celebrations go.

And, just in case you can't tell from the above photo caption, my birthday is coming up. Confession: I'm not a big celebrator.  [Insert shock and gasps of disbelief here.]  Yeah, you read that right.  Which means I'm typically not that person who runs around and brags to all her friends about her upcoming "special day."  Nor am I that person who organizes my own party.  So, if you happen to know my birthday is coming up (which you should now since I just told you) and you want to celebrate it, do me a favor and just tell me so.  Because one of my many awkward life traits I possess is that I don't like asking people to celebrate myself.  It's just...awkward...

FOUR: Holiday Hoopla. 

See this picture of this beautiful house all decked out for the holidays (courtesy of Google Images)?  Yeah...my house looks absolutely nothing like this.  Not one tree, not one ornament, not one twinkling light, and I definitely don't have a fireplace.

I could not celebrate any holiday and be perfectly content with my life.  [Insert round two of shock and gasps here.]  I have exactly zero Christmas decorations up at my house.  My mom called me all upset because all of my decorations are still at my parents' house.  Yeah, I didn't shed one tear or have my blood pressure fluctuate one bit at that news.  Now, I love my family and I'm all about spending time with them - especially considering the fact that 2 states currently divide us.  But I don't need a holiday full of stress and stress eating to enjoy spending time with them.  I'd totally support boycotting the holidays for one meaningful family vacation per year - preferably a vacation location that's warm and comes with a beach.

FIVE.  Share the Awkward.

Ok, before you start going off on me on how I'm contradicting myself (see point three), hear me out.  My life is like one big awkward moment.  So, one would think that by this point, I'd be used to it and would be amazing at dealing with the awkwardness.  False.  I have, however, learned how to embrace and include others in on my awkward moments - I share the awkward.  Some story is brought up that makes me uncomfortable (and is specifically brought up to make me uncomfortable), I'll start saying things I know will make everyone else uncomfortable.  They'll start feeling uncomfortable, things will get way awkward for all parties involved, and suddenly the topic will switch gears.  Don't believe me?  Try it!  This method has yet to fail me.  And considering how many awkward moments comprise my life, that's saying a lot!

And there we have it, my blog friends.  The first and possibly last installment of my random thoughts on this cold December Thursday!  I even managed to throw in a few pics (go me!).  Now I shall wait with bated breath for all the hate comments!  Bring it on, haters!!

Oy vey!

I have thoroughly neglected this blog these past few months!  And what a terrible time I did, as I totally left you all with a huge cliff hanger.

Well, I got my injections, was told by Dr. S to give it a week and see if life got better, and to my shock and awe, life chronic-migraine-wise did get better!  Which meant no hospitalization (this time around)!  Wohoo!!

Which means I still owe you all a post on migraine hospitalization.  Will you allow me to raincheck it just this once?  I'm just not really feeling in a hospitalization discussion mood.  But I promise I will make a post (just not today)!!

Reasons why I've neglected this blog these past few months --

1. I don't know that I ever made it public, but I was busy studying this summer for my licensing exam.  An incredibly grueling process for an incredibly difficult exam.  Well, I took the exam at the end of the summer.  Afterwards, I spent a lot of time fighting my depression as I was sure I had failed.  When I'm depressed, I feel very uninspired.  Hence no blogging.

2. About a month and a half ago, I found out that - to my shock, surprise, and awe - I passed my licensing exam!

3. After finding out I had passed, I then faced the fun life that is unemployment.  Totally kidding on the fun part. Basically, I spent all day searching for a job.  Which became quite complicated because that little thing called the government shutdown happened.  Unemployment life is quite uninspiring.  Hence, yet again, no blogging.

BUT, I'm back to blogging again.  I'm recommitting myself to this.  I started this blog to prove to others out there struggling that there is hope.  And to remind myself that even when things seem dark and impossible, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Plus, I may start posting pics of my chronic migraine life and journey to live life as any other "normal" human being would.  Which means I need to start taking pics again...  I could make "Take more pictures" goal number 6 of this journey, but it just seems off when I consider my current 5 goals...

So, Happy November blogging world!!  This Deep South transplant migraineur is officially back and ready to blog!

Foreshadowing

Well, my confused nerves are officially unconfused and back to working as "normal people nerves" work.

Which means hello migraine - Day 7.

Been on steroids since Day 4.  Like heavy duty steroids.  When the steroids are in my system and working, life is bearable.  When they wear off, life sucks and I feel like poop.

All set up to get my shots on Friday.  Although I'm worried that by the time I roll in on Friday, I'll be too far gone for the shots to provide the relief they usually do.

Saving my last abortive for the week for my dear friend's wedding on Saturday.  Because that's one event that I'd really like to enjoy and be present (physically and mentally) for.

Regardless, I foresee yet another hospitalization in my near future.  Not the dream vacation I had planned, but at least I'm on vacation and don't have to worry about missing out on important life events (like work, school, socialization activities, etc.).

Wish I could blog more, but my head just can't handle it right now.

Next post likely to revolve around being hospitalized for a migraine.  One, because I've never blogged about that before.  And two, because it's looking like that's what's about to happen to me...

Stay tuned!

Confused Nerves

A few months ago, I posted about my experiences with getting Botox as a treatment for migraines.  (Check out that blog post here)

I'm like clockwork - every 12 weeks, I'm in Dr. S's office getting 31 injections.

Well, because of things I'd been facing in life around that 12 week mark, I ultimately cancelled my appointment.

Normally, this is not something I'd recommend.  Seriously.  Once you get on a 12 week schedule, stick to it.  It's honestly what's best.  12 weeks is just the perfect amount of time where the shots start wearing off.  And before things can get too bad, you're getting reinjected.

But, I'm currently 4 weeks past that 12 week point.  Which means my muscles are starting to move again and my nerves are starting to come alive again.

I live in The Deep South.  If you thought August was hot where you live, seriously, come down South.  Not only are things bigger down South, but they're far hotter as well!

I took up running a few months ago.  Today, I was that idiot you see out running when it's 100 degrees outside.  But I had to get in a run today.  And, honestly, the time I ran was the best time of the day I could have gone for a run (and the coolest daylight time).

As I was sweating profusely, my nerves decided that, now since they are slowly coming back to life again, they should react to such extreme heat.  And so they did.  By sending out cold signals.

Yes.  I was totally sweating like a man with goosebumps all up and down my body.

The first time it happened, it was slightly scary.  It was a new experience that I had never experienced before.  I didn't know if it was normal, unhealthy, bad, etc.  But now, it's getting to that annoying point.  While I'm glad my nerves aren't quite alive enough yet to send out legit pain signals, it's frustrating to be standing out in 100 degree weather looking like I'm freezing cold.  Because I'm definitely not.  I just have very confused nerves currently.

Next week will be the 5 week past 12 mark (aka the 17 week point).  Luckily, next week will be the week these nerves will yet again be injected.

Until then, please excuse me while I sweat profusely while looking like I'm freezing cold.  Because I'm totally not.

Pep Talks and Goal #5

My life this past month has been one pep talk after another.

Most are self-given.  Yes, I give myself daily pep talks.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

But, lately, I've been blessed to have someone come into my life who is fantastically amazing at giving pep talks.

So, here's the thing...

Throughout these past few months, with my life twist-turned upside down, I've had the unfortunate pleasure of figuring out - the hardest way ever - who my true friends are.  People I thought were my friends suddenly fell off the face of the earth when the realized I couldn't drop everything and do for them whenever they needed it.  It's been heartbreaking, to say the least.  To know you've invested so much time, energy, and love into someone.  And to have it all mean nothing in the end.  Heartbreaking is honestly the only word I can find to describe what it's been like.  Which, ironically, goes back to Goal #4.

But, one day, I decided I was going to go outside and get a little Vitamin C - mostly in the hopes that the sunshine would help cheer me up, allow me to relax, and melt away (ok, more like sweat away) all the heartache I'd been enduring.

Well, in this quest, I met someone.  Someone who has become a very dear friend to me (although I'm not sure they realize just how dear they are).  Each day, they hit me with a pep talk.

Today's was, as simple and obvious as it was, quite profound.  And so I'm sharing it...

"I think you're going to do great and you will look back on this and feel like you wasted so much energy worrying.  Chin up and eye on the prize.  I have faith in you.  P.S. Try to get some sleep"

How true!  The one thing standing in my way is worry (and lack of sleep - but that's a blog topic for another day).  Each day, I stare at Matthew 11:28-30, a scripture I've posted in my home.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

I've been so consumed with worry.  Worried about my current life events and state.  Worried about these friendships that I've come to realize never really were.  Worried about making it through the day.  Worried about meeting the expectations and needs of others.  Worried about the future and what it holds.  Worried.  And, as much as I've been praying, I haven't been praying to God about the worry.  I've asked for comfort, I've asked for peace.  But I've never talked to Him about the worry.  I've never truly given it to Him.

How can I expect to achieve the true and ultimate prize - eternity in Heaven with my Maker and Savior - unless I give it all over?

Which leads me to setting my 5th goal for this journey...

Goal #5: let go of the pain, hurt, heartache, and worry.  Give it all to God so that you may obtain true rest.

Panic Attacks

Around the time my migraines went from being occasional to chronic and severe, I started experiencing panic attacks.

I tried taking daily medication to help control them, but it left me feeling numb and sent my depression in a crazy downward spiral.

So, I resorted to learning how to cope with them naturally.

Which worked wonders.

That is, until I started down this path that has really got my life turned upside down.

Doctor gave me some Xanax to help deal with the attacks when they come.  Which works great.  That is, if you catch the attack early enough to take the meds before it escalates into extreme panic attack.

Extreme panic attack happened this morning.  Worst one I've ever had.  And I was alone.  No one around.  No one to talk to and get my mind off it.  Alone.

I knew I couldn't call my family because they were all either at work or out of town.  I knew I couldn't call my close friends because they were also at work or unavailable.

So, I called the one person I knew would answer and help me - Dr. S.

In between quick shallow breaths with tears streaming down my face and focusing all my might on not throwing up, I was able to say the following: "Hey...I...am having...a panic...attack... Took a...Xanax, but...it hasn't kicked...in yet... Please...help..."

Before I could say any more, I was being ordered to lie down, close my eyes, take deep breaths.  And in a calming voice, I was hearing, "Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  You're doing good!  Keep it up!! Deep breath in..."

The conversation ended with, "You know what's the best part about this?? No copay!!"

And this, my friends, is why I will drive halfway across the country, if need be, to continue having Dr. S as my doctor.  I don't know many doctors who would do what was done for me today.  And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

Prayer

I've somewhat alluded to the fact that I've got a lot of stuff on my plate currently.

While I really don't want to deal with what I am, I must admit that it is my fault.  I have chosen this path, and with that choice comes this hard time.  And when I get real down and crabby, I catch myself reminding myself that this is self-inflicted.  I have no one to blame but me.

But that's quickly followed up with reminding myself that I'm not in this alone.  I've got God on my side.  As Dr. S reminded me, I have to ask Him for help.  And then I must let go and trust Him.  Because Psalm 3:5 commands me to do so: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Well, I've got a friend that's also in the same boat as I am currently.  She texted me today expressing how she was having a rough day.  I tried offering her some of my tips/tricks that are helping me muddle through the hurdles we come to.  But, she was still discouraged.

So, I sat down and did something for her that I love doing for my friends.  When I don't know what to say, I pray.  And when I don't know the right words to say to uplift my friends, I type out special prayers for them that I've prayed to God.  Personally, I think it's one thing for someone to tell you that they're praying for you.  But it has a far greater impact when you get the chance to hear/see that prayer.  Plus, I love having something to come back to and read when I am down and need the strength and encouragement (hence blogging).

The thing about writing out prayers for my friends is that I find that praying these special prayers for them also brings me peace and comfort.  I think it's because when my friends are down, it hurts my heart as well.  And it all ties back in with Matthew 11:28 - "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Until I'm out of the woods, I will continue to pray fervently, trust wholeheartedly, and play this song on repeat in my head --