Social Experiment

I am not from the South.

However, I currently live in the South.  To be more specific, the Deep South.

Because I'm not from here, I like to conduct random social experiments.  I do it partially because I like to be reminded of how different life is where I'm from.  And because it's just hilarious at times to see the major differences between life down South versus life above the Mason-Dixon line.

For the past few years, I've been conducting an ongoing (personal) social experiment.

People in the South love giving out compliments.  I'm convinced they love giving them out just slightly more than they love receiving them.

Complimenting a Southerner is one thing.  Complimenting a Southerner's child - that takes it to a whole new level!

People in the North will usually sometimes accept you complimenting them.  If you compliment them on their child, look out! It's likely the last you'll see of that person is them running as fast as they can away from you.

Don't believe me?  Here's a story --

I was up North visiting my family.  Saw this super absolutely adorable child being pushed in a stroller by his mother.  I quickly got my mother's attention so she could oogle over this absolutely adorable child with me.  What did the absolutely adorable child's mother do as soon as she noticed us?  She quickly turned her stroller in the opposite direction and did her best to avoid us.

I was down here in the Deep South.  Went out to a social event.  A mother walked in with her precious newborn still fresh with new baby smell.  I commented on how precious and sweet and tiny and adorable her little one was.  Then I asked how old.  To my shock, she told me!  And, because that wasn't enough, she stood there for a few more minutes letting me oogle over her precious little one.  I saw her a few months later at another social event.  Mind you, I didn't even know this woman's name.  Turns out she was a friend of a friend.  When my friend went to introduce us, the woman said, "I know you!! We met a few months ago!  You commented on how new my baby was and how absolutely adorable he is!"  Not kidding.

Another example.  Went to the gym.  My gym has a little daycare center for moms to drop their kids off at while they work out.  As I was leaving, a woman was standing at the front desk with her two precious strawberry blonde headed children.  I mean, I'll be honest and tell you that redheads are my weakness (seriously, like every guy I've ever dated had red in his hair).  But those kids, oh my!!  I'd of course seen this woman at the gym a few times, but we'd never talked more than a passing hello.  Well, upon seeing her incredibly precious strawberry blonde headed children, I went into full Southern complimenting mode.

I mean, I was really going crazy over the preciousness of these children.  (Remember, redheads are my weakness!)  If this whole event happened up North, I can assure you that woman would have been running to a courthouse to take out a restraining order against me.  But, down here in the Deep South?  Totally different story!!

This woman enthusiastically thanked me for my "sweet compliments."  And then she proceeded to talk to me about her life and ask me questions about mine.  Basically, we became instant BFFs.

Moral of the story (aka social experiment) --

Enthusiastically compliment a random stranger up North, they will run in the opposite direction.   If your compliment is incredibly enthusiastic (as mine often tend to be), they'll likely get a restraining order against you.  Just kidding (not really).

Enthusiastically compliment a random stranger down South, be prepared to chat it up with them for the next 5 minutes.  If your compliment is incredibly enthusiastic (see above), you'll likely become instant BFFs.  Seriously.  Not kidding.

Insomnia

Being an insomniac and being a migraineur isn't the greatest combo.

Separately, those two things aren't fun.  Together - really not fun.

Well, about a month ago, I started studying for my licensing exam.  Which means studying about 10 hours a day, every day.  Which also means lots of stress.

Stress, migraines, and insomnia.  Incredibly not fun.

After getting 2 hours of sleep max a night for like 3 weeks straight, I finally reached my breaking point.  Physically and emotionally.

For some odd reason, I tend to have all my emotional breakdowns in my car.  No clue why.  It's just my place.

Well, Monday was meltdown Monday for me.

The stress, the exhaustion, the abuse I've been putting myself through, the frustration with self - it all came crashing down.

I ended up in my car, melting down, calling the doctor leaving some rambling message through tears begging for help.  I'd probably be embarrassed about leaving a message where I'm in total hot mess mode, but for the fact that my doctor has seen me at my best and at my worst.  So I allow myself to be okay with letting him see/hear me in hot mess mode.  After all, allowing him to see that side of me really has helped with our relationship and treatment plan.

1 hour later, I was off to the pharmacy to get some sleeping pills courtesy of my wonderful doctor - because Benadryl, camomile tea, hot showers, working out, meditation, combo of all the above was not inducing sleep.  

I've never been a good sleeper.  But these pills have made me realize just how bad of a sleeper I am!  I mean, I knew getting 2 hours of sleep a night was not good or normal.  But I honestly don't think I ever experienced REM sleep till this week.

I've been in bed, asleep, before 1am every night.  I'm usually up, wide awake, till 4am.  Ok, let's be honest, more like 5am.  So being asleep and staying asleep all night long is a totally new thing for me.  And I'm totally loving it.

My doctor has always harped to me how important sleep is for my migraines.  I always understood that.  But I never truly understood it till this week.  It's crazy how sleep really does help with the migraines!

Here's my only negative thought on sleeping pills -- for some reason, they take 2 hours to knock me out.  But, after about an hour, my legs are asleep (figured that one out the hard way).  My body is more eager to shut down than my mind, but isn't that how it often is?  

Despite everyone warning me about the crazy side effects, the only thing "crazy" I've done thus far is flipped my pillow over in my sleep.  I can most definitely handle that kind of crazy!

All in all, the pros outweigh the cons.  

And, while stress isn't all that fun, it's far more bearable (and easier to handle) than stress + migraines + insomnia.

Overcoming Vertigo

When I was first diagnosed with migraines, I was pretty quiet about it.  Mostly because I was still trying to figure out what migraines were and what having migraines meant to me.

About a year after I was originally diagnosed, the migraines became far more frequent and intense.  It was at that point where I was diagnosed as having chronic migraines.  I went from having maybe one migraine a month to at least 3 a week.

The more frequent the migraines became, the more vocal I became about having migraines.

I did that for numerous reasons.  The main one being I just wasn't able to do it all anymore.  I needed help.  And unless you tell people you need help, they don't know.

Becoming more comfortable with being vocal about migraines lead to two really neat things.  One, I was able to be more vocal with my doctor.  I could ask really incredibly honest and candid questions, questions that I may have previously googled to find an answer to.  I was able to sit down with my doctor and be completely honest with him about my fear of having a stroke.  And we had a really good, really lengthy conversation about my stroke risks, things that raised my risk, and things I could do to help decrease my risk.

The second really neat thing that happened was people started sharing their migraine stories with me.  I learned about different symptoms others suffered from.  Which helped shed some light on symptoms I had but didn't quite understand.  It helped me realize that some of what I thought was me going crazy was just the migraines.

The other night, a friend of mine texted asking if I ever experienced vertigo with my migraines.  When I told her I had, she asked me what I did for them.

Well, a few months ago, I was really struggling with vertigo.  I knew it was because I was getting close to needing another round of Botox.  But, it was miserable.  Being single, working two jobs, and going to school, the vertigo was just too much.  After a call to the doctor, I was told to start drinking Gatorade.

Ok, call me crazy, but I absolutely hate Gatorade.  Hate it.  I have yet to find a flavor that is somewhat bearable.  Upon advice from my doctor's secretary, I bought the grape kind (which tastes nothing like any grape I've ever had).  I also bought the low calorie kind knowing the vertigo was too much for me to go run on a treadmill to work off the amount of calories in a normal Gatorade.  I also bought the kind that was high in electrolytes and high in carbs (which also happened to be the kosher kind).

I quickly learned that sipping on the Gatorade was no way to help the vertigo.  I had to actually drink a fair amount of the stuff.  And the only way I could somewhat stand to do that was to make sure it was super super cold.

So, I passed this advice on over to my friend.  She then told me something that most people wouldn't find nearly as sweet as I did.  She said, "When my doctor isn't available, you're my next contact."

I often forget how lucky I am to have the doctor I have.  If I call his office, I usually get a call back with an answer in about an hour.  If I know my doctor's secretary is out of town, I have his email address.  Very rarely am I left to suffer wondering what to do.

I'm so grateful that I have formed the personal relationship with my doctor that I have.  Because, if nothing else, it has really helped me to not fear the migraines, to not fear talking about migraines, and to be comfortable enough to share my migraine story with others - especially in their time of need.

Isolation Cycle

I haven't been the best blogger.

I think part of the reason I'm not a great committed blogger is because, somewhere, I got the idea that I should only post when I have something encouraging and uplifting to say.

Yes, it is great to see that people with chronic migraines can live life.  But, no one lives an absolutely perfect life.  Life is full of ups and downs.  Why should living the chronic migraine life be any different?

I've been having a down day.  Correction.  I've been having a down week.

Migraines can be/are very isolating.  Because of the pain, the sensitivity to light/sound/smells, migraineurs often spend a lot of time alone.

Having a lot of alone time usually means you don't have the most amazing social life.  Because unless your friends suffer from migraines, they don't truly get it.

I know I spend too much time alone.  Even when I'm not having a bad migraine day, I usually prefer to be home alone.  I guess it's just become my "comfort zone."

I often find myself getting frustrated with myself.  I know I shouldn't be spending this much time alone.  But I am.  I know I make excuses to spend time alone.  I'm probably the most awkward person I know, particularly when it comes to social settings.  So, if I can find a way out of having to put myself in a social situation - especially one where I know I'll be forced to put myself out there and (heaven forbid) actually have to talk to people I don't know - I'll find that way out.

It's become a cycle.  This continuous cycle that I don't know how to break.  Because every time I try to break it, I find myself coming back to it.  After all, it is my comfort zone...

Thoughts on Botox

I'm a chronic migraine sufferer.  As if the title of my blog didn't give that away.

So, what does that mean?

It means that everyday brings its own physical struggles.  Some days, it's nausea.  Some days, it's dizziness (vertigo).  Some days, it's seeing random non-existent objects (usually some type of a bug).  Some days, it's feeling like my nerves are on fire.  Some days, it's pounding head pain.  Some days, it's a combination of all the above.

I do not take daily preventative medication.  [Insert shock here.]

I tried preventatives.  They didn't work.  They actually made the migraines worse.  And they brought a lot of other ugly side-effects into my life.

But not taking preventatives caused me to max out on my abortives.  Which led to me taking a ton of steroids.  And prescription pain pills.  All so I could just get out of bed.  And when I couldn't, off to the hospital for a 3-4 day stay I went.

I told my doctor I couldn't do it anymore.

So, he told me out about Botox injections.  Yes, Botox.  That stuff that rich women inject into their faces to get rid of their wrinkles.  Well, that toxin is known to do amazing things for migraineurs.

In July 2011, I got my first taste of Botox for migraines.  My doctor's secretary told me it was just 7 shots.  I don't do shots well.  Scratch that.  I don't do needles well.  But, I told myself I could handle 7.  After all, I could count them off on my hands!

After waiting in the office for 2 hours (and getting sick in the bathroom numerous times), I was finally called back.  And then my doctor dropped the bomb.  It's not 7 shots.  It's 31.  31.  [Insert me having a meltdown in the doctor's office, in front of my doctor, here.]  I literally cried through the entire procedure.  Balled my eyes out.  And, it took about an hour total to get it done.  Halfway through, my doctor told me I was brave.  As if him saying that would make me feel so much better about him giving me 31 shots in the head.  (It didn't, in case you were wondering.)

Since then, I've had it done 6 more times.  And, I haven't cried once!  But it still sucks.  So, here's what no one told me about getting 31 injections into your head.  (Okay, in all fairness to me, I googled it prior to getting it done and nothing came up because it had just recently been approved by the FDA for migraine treatment.)

1.  The procedure takes about 15-30 minutes.  It all depends on your doctor, their familiarity with the procedure, and whether or not you're crying so hard that the doctor gives you breaks to breathe so you don't pass out on him.

2.  It is considered in-office surgery.  So, if anyone ever tries to tell you to suck it up, it's no biggie, kindly inform them that insurance would beg to differ as it treats it quite differently than an office visit.

3.  I've been getting the injections for nearly 2 years.  I'm still not used to the fact that I cannot move my eyebrows.  Like at all.  I try.  Nothing happens.  I always ask my esthetician to wax my brow with an arch in it since I can't move them to show expression.  That way, it doesn't look like I'm angry 24/7.  I'm sure I'll be a sight to see when I'm 80 - a wrinkled prune from nose down, and straight wrinkle-free skin from eyes up.

4.  You can tell when the Botox is being injected.  Because it burns.  Not like it's on fire burns.  But definitely a stronger sensation than a sting.

5.  It takes 2 weeks for the injections to fully kick in.  But you will feel some immediate changes.  The biggest being that your skin will feel tight.  It's as if someone has pulled your skin as tightly as they can across your face.  I always want to rub my head after I get them done to loosen up my skin.  But, I never do because nothing good would come from that.

6.  You will have little needle marks on your forehead for a day or two following.  But, unless you're looking for them, they aren't noticeable.

7.  I always leave the office with at least one visible bruise.  Granted, I bruise easily.  It's almost to the point where when something happens, I can say with almost certainty that it'll bruise.  And it usually does.  This last time, my doctor asked me what I do about the bruises - cover them with makeup, part my hair differently, hide my face from the world.  Here's the honest answer (which I gave him) - I sport them proudly.  And, when people ask, I tell them my doctor did it.  Which is usually followed by the story that I get injections in my head, and it's from one of the injections.

8.  I take the day off from life the day I get the injections.  Here's why.  My doctor only does them on Fridays.  And, my appointment is usually around 10am.  I don't see the point of going into work for only an hour, especially on a Friday.  Once I get them, I'm exhausted.  As in I usually crash an hour or so afterwards exhausted.  Sleeping also helps my body relax, which helps me to not experience all the weird sensations your nerves/muscles go through as the Botox kicks in.  If I don't allow myself to have this downtime, I get a killer awful migraine.  It's a must for me.

9.  For all my loved ones, I've added my ninth tip.  Others don't like watching the procedure.  Apparently, it makes them super uncomfortable, nauseous, grateful they aren't the ones getting the 31 injections.  I've taken family/friends with me to distract me, comfort me, and (mostly) so they could visually experience it to understand the lengths I'm going to for relief.  Now, I go alone because family/friends can't watch it.  My doctor is usually pretty good about striking up some kind of non-injection related conversation with me.  But, I'm also not afraid to change the topic when he starts talking about the details of the procedure.

10.  It's all mind over matter.  Yes, it sucks.  No, it isn't fun.  But, if getting 31 shots in my head means I'll have the strength to get out of bed and actually function on a daily basis, 31 shots it is.

So, there are my top 10 thoughts on Botox - things I wish I would have known and that have taken me almost 2 years to learn.

If you have any other tips to add, please do so!  If you have any questions about the procedure (or days following), please ask!

PS  I usually refer to the procedure as my shots.  Because I hate having to explain to people why, at my age, I get Botox (and that insurance covers for me to be wrinkle-free).

Goal #4

I've seriously been neglecting this blog.

Here's why --

A lot of stuff has happened to me personally here lately.  Stuff that has caused me to really seriously doubt my faith in humanity.  Before you let your mind wander and think I'm referring to stuff going on in the news/media, I'm not.

I remember the day I officially came clean about this.  After I announced my feelings out loud, I felt like humanity felt the need to prove to me that I shouldn't have faith in it.  Repeatedly.

Here I am, 2 weeks later.

This weekend, I had a really powerful heart-to-heart with a very dear friend.  She said something to me that I'm throwing out in this blog world so that I won't forget it.  And because it's going on my list of goals for this journey (the reason why I started this blog).

This is what she said: "Focus on yourself.  Cut out the people who are sucking the joy out of your life."

I'm sure many people read that and think how absolutely cruel and harsh that is.  But, I read that and think how right she is!

I've let people into my life who treat me like trash.  They come around when they need something, when it's convenient for them.  But when I need a friend, they're always too busy.  Or, if they happen to be available, they come around to say hurtful things to me that only tear me down further.

So, this is the real sucky part of the journey.  The time where you find out who your true friends are and let yourself be okay with letting the others go.  The time where I find out who my true friends are.  The time where I allow myself to let go of those that only suck out my joy.  Not only give myself permission to do so, but to truly be okay with it.

It's the time to allow myself to experience joy - pure, unadulterated joy...

Everything will be alright...

It's the wee hours of the morning.

I know this because the birds outside my window have started their morning chirps.

I'm curled up in bed with blankets and pillows.

My comforter is still in the dryer, where it's been for the past 2 days.

I've been fighting the flu for the past week.  Laziness has most definitely been the theme of the past week plus of my life.

Not only am I curled under blankets, but the blankets consist of my living room blanket and a flat sheet I pulled out of the dryer (right before I threw the comforter in).  While I've got sheets on my bed, the flat sheet I'm curled up under isn't the sheet on the bed.  It's just some random flat sheet.  That doesn't match.  But is oh so warm and comfy.

Today, I will go back out into the world.

Today, I will put on real clothes rather than just sweats and/or pjs.

Today, I will no longer use the excuse that I'm sick with the flu - mostly because I'm over the flu.

Today, I may have to fake happiness to get through the day.  But I will get through today.  I will.

And, as if there aren't enough ironies in my life - my Pandora just started playing "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

I'm not quite sure where I am right now.  I know I've got a lot of struggles going on internally.  I'm not sure I know how and/or am ready to verbalize those struggles yet.  I've been up all night long.  As in I haven't slept one minute since the sun set to the sun now rising.  My mind is racing, there's so much going on, yet I can't vocalize it.  At least, not yet.

So, to sum it up in the words of Jimmy Eat World --

It just takes some time, little girl
You're in the middle of the ride
Everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright.