Why me?

I've heard so many people say this phrase.

It's often said after a diagnosis or on a day where you're really struggling.

Whenever I hear it, I often think to myself about how people are forgetting one word in that sentence.  One small little word.

And that word is 'not.'

Why not me??

This is why I say God blessed me with chronic migraines, depression, whatever other challenges I may face in life - physical or mental.

My friends all know if they get a headache, I'm going to have some Aleve/Ibuproen on me.  And I don't mind one bit giving them one of those OTC pills to provide them with some relief.

Those who know me know that, should they be struggling with depression, I have no problem driving over to their house and getting them out of bed.  Pulling them out of bed if need be.

I think a lot of people with any kind of struggle in life are afraid to share it.  Afraid of what others will think once they find out.  Afraid of how others will judge them.

The beautiful thing about being open about our struggles is that others know that if they are facing the same challenges, they can openly talk to you about it.  You know what it's like.  You know how hard it can be to fight and overcome.

Most importantly, they know that you won't judge them for their struggles and challenges.

So, why not me??

God chose to bless me with all off these challenges.  On what grounds do I have to question Him?? Him - my Father, our Creator, my first love.

If, in God so blessing me, I can help others with their struggles and challenges, then this I ask -- why not me?

Why I Blog

There are many things I struggle with in life.

But, close to being at the top of my list of struggles is sharing my emotions.

Emotions.

They're something we all experience.

But it's also something we all have a different way of showing.

I'm a hider of emotions.

I think it all ties back to having a chronic illness.

In the eyes of others, you are always sick.  It's all in your head.  You need to get over yourself and then your life will get better.

I heard those phrases so many times in my life that I began to shut down.  Notice - I didn't say I believed them (because that couldn't have been further from the truth).  I simply just shut down.

Sure, I was in serious pain.  But unless I truly trusted you, you didn't know.  I smiled a fake smile.  When asked how I was feeling, I'd always respond with a "good" or a "fine," even when that wasn't the truth.

Here's the thing, though -- not only do I struggle with showing emotion, but I struggle with how to deal with situations where others are showing emotion.

I find emotional situations to be awkward, uncomfortable, and situations in which I want to flee as fast as possible from.

Ultimately, this is why I blog.

I still am struggling with how to experience emotions, show emotions, not be perceived as "cold-hearted" or "shut out."

Writing, blogging, helps me figure out how to express emotions through words.  Once I am able to see how I feel, that helps me to understand how I feel and thus fully experience emotions.

I don't blog so I can be the next professional blogger.

I blog so I can find me.  Learn who I am.  And, eventually, (or maybe even hopefully) begin to understand and accept myself for being just that - me.

Goal #3 for my journey: Ignore my blog statistics. Remember that I'm doing this for me and only me.  I am giving myself permission to allow myself to write about, experience, feel whatever emotions may come my way.  And I'm not going to let my Blogger stats (however high or low they may be) get in the way of this journey - my journey.

The Dreaded "D" Word

If you suffer from any debilitating chronic illness, then "the dreaded 'D' word" is likely something you are familiar with.

No, I'm not referring to a profane word.

Rather, I'm talking about the one word very few people like to bring up but many are aware of how it finds its way into our lives.

Depression.

Yes, I did just use that dreaded word.

I've never publicly admitted it, but I am now - I have been diagnosed with depression.

Some days are harder than others when it comes to dealing with it.  The smallest things seem to trigger it, and it's always on days/times where you don't anticipate it.

But when it hits, man does it hit!

There are a few things I've learned since my diagnosis:

1. Just like my migraines, it doesn't define who I am.

2. Fighting it will only make it worse.  Rather, it becomes much easier to deal with if you just accept it and ride out the highs and lows (even the lo lows) of it.

3. God chose to bless me with this.

Speaking of number 3 - I had a friend ask me the other night why I thought God chose me.  Notice how I phrased that - God chose to bless me with depression.

Here's my answer:  I don't know why God picked me.  But I do know this much -- God blessed me with depression (and chronic migraines) because He knows I can handle it.

Think about it... God picked me.  Me!  Of all of His children, He chose me!  God loves me, He has faith in me, He is with me, He knows I am strong enough to handle whatever challenges depression/migraines/etc. may throw my way.

How neat is that?? God knows just how strong I am.  He knows I am stronger than I think I am!  And He has promised to be with me and help me get through it all.  Can anything be more comforting than that?

So, to answer my friend's question -

I don't know why God picked me to be blessed with depression and chronic migraines.  Maybe it was so I could help others through their struggles.  Maybe it was so I'd constantly be reminded of His love in me thus helping me to always be thankful to Him for being mindful of me.  Maybe it was so I could show others how you can still let your light shine even in the darkest times.  Maybe it's all of these reasons.  Maybe it's none of them.

One thing I do know for sure, though.  God made me and in His image, nonetheless.  He loves me.  He is forever mindful of me.  He is always with me.

So, at the end of the day, there's really only one thing I can do: F.R.O.G. - Fully Rely On God

Are any of you closet depression sufferers? Or, on the flip-side, are any of you open about your struggles?  How do you handle your hi highs and your lo lows?  What do you turn to for comfort when you're struggling (with depression or anything else in life)?

Please feel free to share your thoughts. Whether you choose to share openly or anonymously, I'd love to hear from you!!

Getting Outside the Box

When I presented my first goal, I mentioned how I had put myself in a box.  A box where I had lived my life dictated by a diagnosis. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been living in a box well before my diagnosis.

I've spent a good portion of my life living in a box.

Rarely have I ever gone out of my way to try something new, to meet people that are different than myself or those I grew up around, to participate in some random activity that my normal self would run in the opposite direction from.

Lately, I've been pushing myself to get outside of this box - not just the chronic migraine box.  But to also get out of my "life norm" box.

I had a friend point out to me that I only have light colored nail polish - many shades of pink, silver, and neutral colors. 

So, while at the dollar store the other day (Yes, I said dollar store.  I absolutely love that place - walk out with a lot without feeling a major hurt on your wallet.), I noticed they had some nail polish.  But not just any nail polish - black nail polish.

Never in my life have I owned muchless painted my nails black.

I figured I'd splurge and buy myself the $1 bottle.

When I got home, I painted my finger and toe nails this deep black color.  After a few coats and a top coat, I took the chance to admire my work and evaluate this new experience. 

Believe it or not - I love it!!  It's so bold, so out there, so hello!  I find myself purposely finding ways to show off my fingers, point things out, wear open toe shoes, simply so I can show off my new polish.

As "unprofessional" as this world has labeled black nail polish, my professional self is in love with it!

And as timid and nervous and uneasy as I was to take the big leap and paint my nails black, I'm so glad I jumped!  Who knew such an intense shade of polish could not only make someone so happy but bring out so much inner pride and strength?!

I know you're probably thinking - seriously, you only painted your nails.  You are honestly this excited over just painting your nails??

Here's the big reason why I'm so excited about "just" painting my nails:

This is a new experience.  One I never would have done had it not been for a friend pointing out the lack of variety in my life. Yes, my "life norm" is really just a lack of variety in my life.

Variety.  I added variety to my life.  I did something so out of my norm.  I got out of my box.

Sure, it's just something as small and simple as painting my nails.

But we all have to start somewhere, right??

Challenge yourself this week - or today, for that matter - to get outside of your box.  Even if it's just something small. 

And please don't hesitate to share how you're getting out of your box.  This journey isn't nearly as fun and enjoyable unless you take people along with you and listen as they share their story!

Everyone has a story...

The first goal of my journey has been set -

Goal #1: Always keep an open mind.  Everyone has a story.  Be open to listening, be open to looking past the physical, be open to hearing others' stories, be open to sharing, open up yourself - your heart . . . be open.

Having a story - that's where this journey began.

Instead of referring to your past as "your past," I have a friend who refers to it as "sharing your story."

I absolutely love that!  How many of us cringe when we think about or are referenced to our past?  Those two little words carry such a bad connotation with them. 

But how many of us cringe at the thought of sharing a story?

Think about it... How often do we avoid the questions about our past simply because of all the regrets we have regarding it? 

But, let's be honest, our past is our past.  It belongs to us.  It is personal.  It is a story.  A written story that we cannot change - despite how badly we wish we could.

Compare this to the last book you read.  You read it.  Sure there are parts of the book that you still don't remember.  But, when it comes to the basic plot of the story, you still remember it; you remember the high ups and the low downs.  You can't go back and change what you read.  It's done.  It's read.  Even though the ending may have been completely awful, that's how it ended.  You can't change that.

The same applies for our life.  Except, when it comes to your life, you're the author.

I do a fair amount of writing with my life.  Are there things I've written that I'm not totally happy with?  Yeah.  But I can't go back and change it now.  It's been submitted.  It's been read.  It is what it is.  I can't change it.

Each day, you write the story of your life.  Everyone's life story has its moments - its ups, its downs, its moments we wish we could take back. 

Regardless, part of our story is already written.  The rest, well, we continue to write it daily.

Consider this - how often do we try to hide certain parts of our story from others due to shame?  At the same time, how often do we look down on others - judge them, if you will - for certain parts of their life story?

How fair is that??

The simple answer: it isn't.

And the truth of the matter is just this -- we are all guilty of it.

We all have parts of our story that we wish we could tear out of the book, burn, and pretend like it never happened.  Yet, when others have the courage to share those pages of their story with us, we judge. 

Notice the word I used there - courage.

I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of this.  I'm guilty of judging others simply because they have courage.  Courage, a character trait I often lack though like to believe I have in plenty.

We all have a story.  And one little life event (or, in my case, one diagnosis), doesn't define us or set the plot for our stories - despite what we've told ourselves for years.  Despite what I have convinced myself to believe throughout the years.

Have courage.  Share your story!  And most importantly, don't look down on those (perhaps even judge them) who happen to have more courage than you do.

Which leads me to the second goal of my journey -

Goal #2:  Have courage.  Share your story.  Take the time to listen to others who share their stories.  Don't be afraid.  And, above all, don't judge others for possessing courage.

I've made a mistake...

A few weeks ago, I had this breakthrough realization regarding my chronic migraine life.

After my diagnosis, I made one big huge mistake.

I let it define me.

I let being a chronic migraine sufferer define me.

You know how some people define themselves by their roles - a teacher, a parent, a sister, an advocate, etc.?  I have been defining myself by my diagnosis.

But, here's the thing... My diagnosis, while it is a part of me, it isn't who I am.

For the past few years, I've let being a chronic migraine sufferer be who I am. 

There's so much more to me than just my diagnosis.

So, I've embarked on a journey to find who I really am.  Being a chronic migraine sufferer isn't who I am, it's just something that I happen to deal with - just like others may happen to deal with a broken bone, or a bug bite, or a cut/scrape. 

While I'm not quite sure who I really am right now (hence this journey), there are a few things I do know about me.  First and foremost, I am a follower of Christ.  I have devoted my life to the Lord and to doing as God commands of me.  I'm also an advocate.  I am a daughter, a sister, a friend.  I am a giver - I want to help others any way I can.  I'm an organizer.  I am a problem solver.  I am a fighter - I don't give up without a fight.  I am a child of God. 

Did you notice that being a chronic migraine sufferer didn't make that list?  I purposely left it off.  Because putting it on that list would be like saying I'm a broken toe survivor.  Yeah, I've broken my toe.  Yeah, it totally hurts.  But I don't meet people and say, "Hey! I've broken my toe before. So nice to meet you!"  That's totally ridicilious sounding, right?  Well so is choosing to let a diagnosis define me. 

There's far more to me than just a diagnosis. 

It's taken me a long time to realize this.  But, once I had that breakthrough, I realized there was so much in life I was missing out on because of the way I had chosen to define myself.  Notice how I worded that - the way I had chosen to define myself.  I put myself in that box.  And now, I'm taking myself out of that box.

So, here's to starting a journey outside of the box - a journey to find who I truly am.  Because, somewhere inbetween being diagnosed and making myself stay in a box defined simply by a diagnosis, I've lost sight of me - I've lost myself.  Here's to finding me - possibly for the first time in my adult life...

New Direction

I started this blog with the intention of talking about what life as a chronic migraine sufferer was like.

I even tried to do the blog challenge during Migraine Awareness Month.

But, the more I did it, the more depressing things seemed. 

Yes, I suffer from chronic migraines.  But that's not who I am.  Being a migraine sufferer isn't all that there is to me.

So, I've decided to take this blog in a new direction.  Instead of talking about what life with migraines is like, I'm going to blog about what life is like despite having migraines.

Reading about all the people in the world who have migraines, all the meds they've taken, all the ups and downs they've been through, etc., becomes old and depressing over time.

I want to instead spread hope to all migraine sufferers out there.

It IS possible to have a real life, have fun, enjoy whatever comes your way despite having migraines.

My hope and plan is to write an inspiring and encouraging blog.  To let others see that there are upsides to having chronic migraines.  To prove that while migraines may be a part of you, they don't define you.

I welcome any and all to come along with me on this journey!