Pep Talks and Goal #5

My life this past month has been one pep talk after another.

Most are self-given.  Yes, I give myself daily pep talks.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

But, lately, I've been blessed to have someone come into my life who is fantastically amazing at giving pep talks.

So, here's the thing...

Throughout these past few months, with my life twist-turned upside down, I've had the unfortunate pleasure of figuring out - the hardest way ever - who my true friends are.  People I thought were my friends suddenly fell off the face of the earth when the realized I couldn't drop everything and do for them whenever they needed it.  It's been heartbreaking, to say the least.  To know you've invested so much time, energy, and love into someone.  And to have it all mean nothing in the end.  Heartbreaking is honestly the only word I can find to describe what it's been like.  Which, ironically, goes back to Goal #4.

But, one day, I decided I was going to go outside and get a little Vitamin C - mostly in the hopes that the sunshine would help cheer me up, allow me to relax, and melt away (ok, more like sweat away) all the heartache I'd been enduring.

Well, in this quest, I met someone.  Someone who has become a very dear friend to me (although I'm not sure they realize just how dear they are).  Each day, they hit me with a pep talk.

Today's was, as simple and obvious as it was, quite profound.  And so I'm sharing it...

"I think you're going to do great and you will look back on this and feel like you wasted so much energy worrying.  Chin up and eye on the prize.  I have faith in you.  P.S. Try to get some sleep"

How true!  The one thing standing in my way is worry (and lack of sleep - but that's a blog topic for another day).  Each day, I stare at Matthew 11:28-30, a scripture I've posted in my home.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

I've been so consumed with worry.  Worried about my current life events and state.  Worried about these friendships that I've come to realize never really were.  Worried about making it through the day.  Worried about meeting the expectations and needs of others.  Worried about the future and what it holds.  Worried.  And, as much as I've been praying, I haven't been praying to God about the worry.  I've asked for comfort, I've asked for peace.  But I've never talked to Him about the worry.  I've never truly given it to Him.

How can I expect to achieve the true and ultimate prize - eternity in Heaven with my Maker and Savior - unless I give it all over?

Which leads me to setting my 5th goal for this journey...

Goal #5: let go of the pain, hurt, heartache, and worry.  Give it all to God so that you may obtain true rest.

Panic Attacks

Around the time my migraines went from being occasional to chronic and severe, I started experiencing panic attacks.

I tried taking daily medication to help control them, but it left me feeling numb and sent my depression in a crazy downward spiral.

So, I resorted to learning how to cope with them naturally.

Which worked wonders.

That is, until I started down this path that has really got my life turned upside down.

Doctor gave me some Xanax to help deal with the attacks when they come.  Which works great.  That is, if you catch the attack early enough to take the meds before it escalates into extreme panic attack.

Extreme panic attack happened this morning.  Worst one I've ever had.  And I was alone.  No one around.  No one to talk to and get my mind off it.  Alone.

I knew I couldn't call my family because they were all either at work or out of town.  I knew I couldn't call my close friends because they were also at work or unavailable.

So, I called the one person I knew would answer and help me - Dr. S.

In between quick shallow breaths with tears streaming down my face and focusing all my might on not throwing up, I was able to say the following: "Hey...I...am having...a panic...attack... Took a...Xanax, but...it hasn't kicked...in yet... Please...help..."

Before I could say any more, I was being ordered to lie down, close my eyes, take deep breaths.  And in a calming voice, I was hearing, "Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  Deep breath in.  And blow it out.  You're doing good!  Keep it up!! Deep breath in..."

The conversation ended with, "You know what's the best part about this?? No copay!!"

And this, my friends, is why I will drive halfway across the country, if need be, to continue having Dr. S as my doctor.  I don't know many doctors who would do what was done for me today.  And for that, I am incredibly grateful.

Prayer

I've somewhat alluded to the fact that I've got a lot of stuff on my plate currently.

While I really don't want to deal with what I am, I must admit that it is my fault.  I have chosen this path, and with that choice comes this hard time.  And when I get real down and crabby, I catch myself reminding myself that this is self-inflicted.  I have no one to blame but me.

But that's quickly followed up with reminding myself that I'm not in this alone.  I've got God on my side.  As Dr. S reminded me, I have to ask Him for help.  And then I must let go and trust Him.  Because Psalm 3:5 commands me to do so: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

Well, I've got a friend that's also in the same boat as I am currently.  She texted me today expressing how she was having a rough day.  I tried offering her some of my tips/tricks that are helping me muddle through the hurdles we come to.  But, she was still discouraged.

So, I sat down and did something for her that I love doing for my friends.  When I don't know what to say, I pray.  And when I don't know the right words to say to uplift my friends, I type out special prayers for them that I've prayed to God.  Personally, I think it's one thing for someone to tell you that they're praying for you.  But it has a far greater impact when you get the chance to hear/see that prayer.  Plus, I love having something to come back to and read when I am down and need the strength and encouragement (hence blogging).

The thing about writing out prayers for my friends is that I find that praying these special prayers for them also brings me peace and comfort.  I think it's because when my friends are down, it hurts my heart as well.  And it all ties back in with Matthew 11:28 - "Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Until I'm out of the woods, I will continue to pray fervently, trust wholeheartedly, and play this song on repeat in my head --

Weekly Inspiration

I'm very aware of the fact that most people don't have the type of relationship I have with my neurologist.  Mostly because most doctors aren't as open about themselves with their patients.  They have a job to do - that job is to listen to the patient, treat the patient, and move on to the next patient.

But that approach just didn't work for my doctor and me.  Yes, he listens to me and treats my conditions.  But he doses out more than just prescriptions and medical advice.  He throws in some humor, some spiritual guidance, some thought-provoking words of wisdom.  He truly treats the whole person and not just the condition.

This has led to me having a "different" relationship with my doctor.  I'm open with him.  Open about my health, open about my life, open about what's on my mind.  No question is a dumb question - whether it's a question about my stroke risk or a question about religion.

I know about his family.  I've seen pictures of his family.  Not because they're displayed in his office and I creeped on them, but because he took the time to show me and point out each person in his family.

We email.  Yes, I have my doctor's email address.  Sometimes the emails are about legit neurological things. Sometimes they're just checking in emails.  Sometimes they're about random life questions or discoveries.

Well, I needed a letter from my doctor.  I was all set to pick the letter up this week.  But then life threw me a curve ball, and I had to cancel my appointment.

Knowing my doctor's secretary is on vacation this week (yes, we email as well and she keeps me up on when she and my doctor are going to be out of the office), I had planned to email my doctor about the letter.  I didn't figure he knew about it since I'd only mentioned it to his secretary.

To my surprise, without having to say a word, that wonderful man wrote and mailed out my letter to me.  For no charge.

So, off to email land I went to send him a huge ginormous thank you.  Because he is so humble, he wrote me back like it was no big deal.  And then he threw in some words of encouragement to help me get through this "curve ball."

My inspiration for the week, courtesy of Dr. S --
Stick with it, get plenty of rest, and avoid the fetal position.  Ask God for help.  Remember the words of FDR: "[You] have nothing to fear but fear itself!"  Stay strong and rock this!

To this, I add Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

PS I'm thinking I'm going to start trying to post weekly inspirations on Mondays.  Mostly for myself.  But who couldn't use a little weekly inspiration on a Monday?

Social Experiment

I am not from the South.

However, I currently live in the South.  To be more specific, the Deep South.

Because I'm not from here, I like to conduct random social experiments.  I do it partially because I like to be reminded of how different life is where I'm from.  And because it's just hilarious at times to see the major differences between life down South versus life above the Mason-Dixon line.

For the past few years, I've been conducting an ongoing (personal) social experiment.

People in the South love giving out compliments.  I'm convinced they love giving them out just slightly more than they love receiving them.

Complimenting a Southerner is one thing.  Complimenting a Southerner's child - that takes it to a whole new level!

People in the North will usually sometimes accept you complimenting them.  If you compliment them on their child, look out! It's likely the last you'll see of that person is them running as fast as they can away from you.

Don't believe me?  Here's a story --

I was up North visiting my family.  Saw this super absolutely adorable child being pushed in a stroller by his mother.  I quickly got my mother's attention so she could oogle over this absolutely adorable child with me.  What did the absolutely adorable child's mother do as soon as she noticed us?  She quickly turned her stroller in the opposite direction and did her best to avoid us.

I was down here in the Deep South.  Went out to a social event.  A mother walked in with her precious newborn still fresh with new baby smell.  I commented on how precious and sweet and tiny and adorable her little one was.  Then I asked how old.  To my shock, she told me!  And, because that wasn't enough, she stood there for a few more minutes letting me oogle over her precious little one.  I saw her a few months later at another social event.  Mind you, I didn't even know this woman's name.  Turns out she was a friend of a friend.  When my friend went to introduce us, the woman said, "I know you!! We met a few months ago!  You commented on how new my baby was and how absolutely adorable he is!"  Not kidding.

Another example.  Went to the gym.  My gym has a little daycare center for moms to drop their kids off at while they work out.  As I was leaving, a woman was standing at the front desk with her two precious strawberry blonde headed children.  I mean, I'll be honest and tell you that redheads are my weakness (seriously, like every guy I've ever dated had red in his hair).  But those kids, oh my!!  I'd of course seen this woman at the gym a few times, but we'd never talked more than a passing hello.  Well, upon seeing her incredibly precious strawberry blonde headed children, I went into full Southern complimenting mode.

I mean, I was really going crazy over the preciousness of these children.  (Remember, redheads are my weakness!)  If this whole event happened up North, I can assure you that woman would have been running to a courthouse to take out a restraining order against me.  But, down here in the Deep South?  Totally different story!!

This woman enthusiastically thanked me for my "sweet compliments."  And then she proceeded to talk to me about her life and ask me questions about mine.  Basically, we became instant BFFs.

Moral of the story (aka social experiment) --

Enthusiastically compliment a random stranger up North, they will run in the opposite direction.   If your compliment is incredibly enthusiastic (as mine often tend to be), they'll likely get a restraining order against you.  Just kidding (not really).

Enthusiastically compliment a random stranger down South, be prepared to chat it up with them for the next 5 minutes.  If your compliment is incredibly enthusiastic (see above), you'll likely become instant BFFs.  Seriously.  Not kidding.

Insomnia

Being an insomniac and being a migraineur isn't the greatest combo.

Separately, those two things aren't fun.  Together - really not fun.

Well, about a month ago, I started studying for my licensing exam.  Which means studying about 10 hours a day, every day.  Which also means lots of stress.

Stress, migraines, and insomnia.  Incredibly not fun.

After getting 2 hours of sleep max a night for like 3 weeks straight, I finally reached my breaking point.  Physically and emotionally.

For some odd reason, I tend to have all my emotional breakdowns in my car.  No clue why.  It's just my place.

Well, Monday was meltdown Monday for me.

The stress, the exhaustion, the abuse I've been putting myself through, the frustration with self - it all came crashing down.

I ended up in my car, melting down, calling the doctor leaving some rambling message through tears begging for help.  I'd probably be embarrassed about leaving a message where I'm in total hot mess mode, but for the fact that my doctor has seen me at my best and at my worst.  So I allow myself to be okay with letting him see/hear me in hot mess mode.  After all, allowing him to see that side of me really has helped with our relationship and treatment plan.

1 hour later, I was off to the pharmacy to get some sleeping pills courtesy of my wonderful doctor - because Benadryl, camomile tea, hot showers, working out, meditation, combo of all the above was not inducing sleep.  

I've never been a good sleeper.  But these pills have made me realize just how bad of a sleeper I am!  I mean, I knew getting 2 hours of sleep a night was not good or normal.  But I honestly don't think I ever experienced REM sleep till this week.

I've been in bed, asleep, before 1am every night.  I'm usually up, wide awake, till 4am.  Ok, let's be honest, more like 5am.  So being asleep and staying asleep all night long is a totally new thing for me.  And I'm totally loving it.

My doctor has always harped to me how important sleep is for my migraines.  I always understood that.  But I never truly understood it till this week.  It's crazy how sleep really does help with the migraines!

Here's my only negative thought on sleeping pills -- for some reason, they take 2 hours to knock me out.  But, after about an hour, my legs are asleep (figured that one out the hard way).  My body is more eager to shut down than my mind, but isn't that how it often is?  

Despite everyone warning me about the crazy side effects, the only thing "crazy" I've done thus far is flipped my pillow over in my sleep.  I can most definitely handle that kind of crazy!

All in all, the pros outweigh the cons.  

And, while stress isn't all that fun, it's far more bearable (and easier to handle) than stress + migraines + insomnia.

Overcoming Vertigo

When I was first diagnosed with migraines, I was pretty quiet about it.  Mostly because I was still trying to figure out what migraines were and what having migraines meant to me.

About a year after I was originally diagnosed, the migraines became far more frequent and intense.  It was at that point where I was diagnosed as having chronic migraines.  I went from having maybe one migraine a month to at least 3 a week.

The more frequent the migraines became, the more vocal I became about having migraines.

I did that for numerous reasons.  The main one being I just wasn't able to do it all anymore.  I needed help.  And unless you tell people you need help, they don't know.

Becoming more comfortable with being vocal about migraines lead to two really neat things.  One, I was able to be more vocal with my doctor.  I could ask really incredibly honest and candid questions, questions that I may have previously googled to find an answer to.  I was able to sit down with my doctor and be completely honest with him about my fear of having a stroke.  And we had a really good, really lengthy conversation about my stroke risks, things that raised my risk, and things I could do to help decrease my risk.

The second really neat thing that happened was people started sharing their migraine stories with me.  I learned about different symptoms others suffered from.  Which helped shed some light on symptoms I had but didn't quite understand.  It helped me realize that some of what I thought was me going crazy was just the migraines.

The other night, a friend of mine texted asking if I ever experienced vertigo with my migraines.  When I told her I had, she asked me what I did for them.

Well, a few months ago, I was really struggling with vertigo.  I knew it was because I was getting close to needing another round of Botox.  But, it was miserable.  Being single, working two jobs, and going to school, the vertigo was just too much.  After a call to the doctor, I was told to start drinking Gatorade.

Ok, call me crazy, but I absolutely hate Gatorade.  Hate it.  I have yet to find a flavor that is somewhat bearable.  Upon advice from my doctor's secretary, I bought the grape kind (which tastes nothing like any grape I've ever had).  I also bought the low calorie kind knowing the vertigo was too much for me to go run on a treadmill to work off the amount of calories in a normal Gatorade.  I also bought the kind that was high in electrolytes and high in carbs (which also happened to be the kosher kind).

I quickly learned that sipping on the Gatorade was no way to help the vertigo.  I had to actually drink a fair amount of the stuff.  And the only way I could somewhat stand to do that was to make sure it was super super cold.

So, I passed this advice on over to my friend.  She then told me something that most people wouldn't find nearly as sweet as I did.  She said, "When my doctor isn't available, you're my next contact."

I often forget how lucky I am to have the doctor I have.  If I call his office, I usually get a call back with an answer in about an hour.  If I know my doctor's secretary is out of town, I have his email address.  Very rarely am I left to suffer wondering what to do.

I'm so grateful that I have formed the personal relationship with my doctor that I have.  Because, if nothing else, it has really helped me to not fear the migraines, to not fear talking about migraines, and to be comfortable enough to share my migraine story with others - especially in their time of need.