I am broken.

Confession: I had a meltdown tonight.  Well, technically early this morning.  But whatever.

See, I was in bed trying to fall asleep.  When, out of nowhere, thoughts of my life pre-Deep South flooded into my head.

I began thinking about the friends I had during my college days.  The fun adventures I had while in college.  The not so fun adventures I had.

And then, he came to mind.  The guy who showed me how good being in a relationship can be.  The guy who forever changed my expectations and heart for the opposite sex.  Him.

The thoughts of him suddenly made me very angry.  Angry that our relationship happened when I was so young, too young to truly understood how good I had it.  Angry that he was so good to me.  Angry that he never hurt me the way other men have since hurt me.  Angry that he couldn't have come into my life later on, once I had started figuring out what being an adult truly meant.  Angry that he always knew how to calm me and bring comfort/peace to my heart.  Angry that things ended the way they did.  Angry that it's been 7 years, yes 7, since that relationship.  Angry that thoughts of him found their way back into my life.  Angry.

Then I remembered what a "friend" told me after we broke up and I was trying to figure out life again - "You need to get single friends.  People who are in relationships don't have time for single people."

The hurt that came into my heart when those words were first spoken to me flooded back into my heart.  Except this time, the sting was far more painful.  Painful because I have seen just how true those words are. Painful because I've seen just how few single people there are out there to develop friendships with.  Painful because I've seen so many of my single friends leave the singles' club this year and walk clear out of my life.  Painful.

I am single.  I am unemployed.  I am/feel alone.  I am overwhelmed.  I am broken.

My life has been shattered into so many tiny little pieces.  And I have completely forgotten how to use a broom in order to sweep all those pieces up in order to put myself back together and move on...

Random Thought Thursdays

It's Thursday.  I've got some random thoughts to share.  And it's been a while since I've shared any.  So, here goes nothing...

ONE.  Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Tortillo Chips

Photo courtesy of Food Should Taste Good

These!!  These things are my new addiction.  Like I've gone through 3 bags in one week addiction.  I've had them for every meal - breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  They're that good.  When this company decided on a name, they weren't joking.  Their food really does taste good!  And, bonus for me, other grocery stores have started carrying Food Should Taste Good products.  So no more running around town to find one of those coveted bags!  If you haven't tried these chips yet, you need to.  They're so good, they're gluten free, they're kosher, they're amazingly delicious.

TWO.  Cold weather

Before I get jumped for complaining about it being cold in February (which is technically winter), let me explain.  I live in the South, the deep South.  It is not supposed to be this cold for longer than 2 months, max.  We aren't supposed to get snow and severe ice storms here.  And yet we are.  It's cold, I hate it, and I'm ready for the typical 50 degree weather to come and stick around for a while!

THREE.  80's music

The gym I work out at decided to play 80's music today.  And I absolutely loved it!!  I was totally that annoying girl who was singing along with the songs while working out (quietly and very breathy, I might add).  Today's 80's album of choice was Footloose.  Hate me for this, but here's one of my favs!  Enjoy!

Irony of this song playing at my gym - my gym is a ladies only gym.  But, I still love this song!

While this list is shorter than my usual Random Thought Thursday posts, it is what it is.  I guess Facebook has cut back on my list of random things that annoy me (which typically seems to be what my Random Thought Thursdays center around).  Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it!

Feel free to share any random thoughts you have - whatever they may be!  Happy Thursday!!

Facebook Free!!

I finally did it.  After much annoyance, I finally had enough.

I deleted my Facebook account.

And you know what?  I haven't had one single moment where I've regretted it.

Not kidding.

The other day, a family member pulled up Facebook and began reading through the updates in their newsfeed.  The more they read, the happier I became that I no longer had access to that information.

Here's the thing - I do think Facebook has its perks, its time and place.  But, people posting   e v e r y   s i n g l e   d a y   what is going on in their life isn't it.  Seriously.  I no longer have access to the baby daddy drama, the "my [insert significant other here] is the best!" postings, the bragging of how blessed everyone's life is - and I don't miss it.

Sure, I could have limited my Facebook time.  Sure, I could have kept my account but rarely (if ever) logged into it.

But I didn't want to do any of that.  I wanted it permanently out of my life - no temptation to jump back on the wagon.

I've got enough friends and family members on Facebook to tell me if something major happens in someone's life.  My legit friends have my phone number and email address to tell me their special news themselves.  I don't need Facebook making me feel bad for being single, for being childless, for not being engaged/pregnant, for struggling to find who I truly am.  I don't need Facebook telling me I'm not a complete person because I don't partake of everything my "Facebook friends" partake of.  I don't need any of the extra drama in my life.

Hi.  My name is MDL, and it's been one week since I last Facebooked.  I quit cold turkey, and I don't regret it one bit.  [Steps off soap box]

5 Years

Today is my 5 year anniversary of officially being diagnosed with chronic migraines.

Not only is today my 5 year anniversary, but last week was the official 1 year mark for the last time I was hospitalized.

1 year ago today, I was at home recovering from a whirlwind hospitalization.  I was pretty much camped out on the couch, sleeping, and not moving.

5 years ago today, I was sitting in a hospital totally unsure of what was going on, completely nauseous, overcome with vertigo, struggling to see, and was covered in bruises from constantly falling into walls.

I've learned a lot in 5 years.

I've learned my limits.  Which means listening to my body.  Even when I don't want to exercise, I know my body will love me more if I take those 30 minutes out of my day.  Even when I want to go out, I know my body will be kinder to me if I take some time to relax and sneak in a nap.

I've learned to take the bad days with the good.  Not everyday is going to be a good day.  Just the other week, I woke up totally sick with vertigo.  I think I downed like 4 Gatorades in 2 days last week.  One month ago, I was on steroids, curled up with an electric blanket set on a high and a heating pad on my neck also set on high because my muscles were so tight it hurt to move.  But today, today I had a fantastic spin class followed by a great workout on the gym floor.

I've learned that I'm strong.  God has shown me my strength.  When I thought I had none left, He has blessed me with just what I needed to endure.  Yes, I have my weak moments.  But, I've learned my strength far outweighs my weaknesses.

So, if you're new to the migraine world, don't lose hope.  Keep fighting.  Don't give up.  I can't promise you every day will be a good day, but I can promise you that God will help you endure.

Happy 2014!!

And...we're back!! New year, new opportunities, new chances to live life despite the chronic migraines!  Bring it on, 2014, bring it on!!

I got to looking at my recent blog roll, and I realized - I haven't had a "chronic migraine life" post in a while (which is ironic considering that's the purpose of this blog).  So, I thought it was about time to write one...

I've been MIA these past couple of weeks for two reasons: (1) I was enjoying the holidays with my family, and (2) I was dealing with migraine symptoms.

So, I was late getting my shots this round, again.  I got the flu the week I was supposed to get them, so I had to cancel.  I'm pretty sure doctors prefer patients who shower, and I hadn't done that in days since I was so sick.  I'm also pretty sure doctors prefer patients to not infect them.  Well, their next availability wasn't till 5 weeks after my actual appointment date.

About a week before my appointment, the previous round of shots had worn off.  My forehead had a few wrinkles.  My neck was so tight that my mobility was very limited.  My shoulders hunched up towards my ears as the muscles tightened into knots.  And the pain spread down my back all the way to my legs to where it became painful to walk.

The doctor put me on steroids to help (hate those darn pills).  I also spent much time under an electric blanket set on high with heating pad underneath me, also set on high.

Finally, my appointment arrived.  With the muscles being as tight as they were, this round of injections was rather painful and quite unpleasant.

And then came waiting the two weeks for them to fully kick in.  Slowly, my legs started feeling better.  Then my back.  Then my neck.  And, finally, my head.

Now that that's taken care of and out of the way (until my next round, that is), I shall attempt to resume my normal blogging schedule, whatever that is...

Random Thought Thursdays

Well, after last week's Random Thought Thursdays post, I received a lot of positive feedback.  Most notably - I learned I'm not the only Elf on the Shelf hater out there.  Woo!

So, with that being said, here's this week's installment of my random thoughts.

ONE: Social Media

I have a Facebook.  Confession: I hate it.  I find myself being annoyed by it more than encouraged.  I've done the whole Facebook hiatus thing.  Except Facebook emails you saying they miss you (not kidding).  So, maybe I'll completely delete my account in the near future.  We shall see.  But I can with 99% certainty guarantee that I will never get a Twitter or Instagram.

TWO: Apologizing to Inanimate Objects

Ok, I have this problem which often tends to show itself when I'm at the grocery store.  Whenever I run into anything (people, objects, air), I apologize.  Now, this is a fantastic practice for when I happen to run into human beings.  But, when all I'm running into is a display at the grocery store - well, I just look absolutely crazy profusely apologizing to cardboard.

THREE: Andy Williams

You know, that dude who sings, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"  Yeah, that's Andy Williams. I grew up not too incredibly far from Branson, so I would often hear his Christmas Show commercial play around this time of the year.  But, I have to wonder, what was so "wonderful" around this time for Andy Williams? Every.  Single.  Year.  I've never had a "most wonderful time" around this time of year.  Never.  Sorry, call me a Grinch, send me hate mail, I don't care.  You will never convince me this is the most wonderful time of year.  Never.  Bah humbug!

Also, the author of this article is my new BFF.  He states the truth about this "most wonderful time of the year" oh so beautifully!

FOUR: My Computer Hates Me

Every time I go to type on this computer, it decides I should write in Chinese rather than English.  Today alone, it has switched to Chinese on me mid-sentence four times.  Maybe I should just learn Chinese so whenever it decides to switch, I can continue to type and read!

FIVE: Engagement Season

It's the holiday season.  Which means I can expect at least one of my friends to get engaged.  If not a Christmas engagement, there will be a New Years one.  Normally, I dread logging on to any social media site this time of year for this very reason.  But then, I discovered the amazingness that is the tumblr page Bad Engagement Photos.  Do yourself a huge holiday favor, click that link and check the website out.  The photos, the descriptions, the tears of laughter you will produce.  Go enjoy!

And there you have it - this week's installment of my random thoughts on this, yet another, cold December Thursday! And before you hate on me for complaining about it being cold in December, remember that I live in the Deep South. Isn't it, therefore, supposed to be warmer than freezing??

Hey There, Depression!

You have NOT been missed.

But you sure have found a way to fantastically and successfully kick my butt this week.

Because if I wasn't already feeling down enough about life, you sure helped me realize things can always be worse.

My body deeply aches from hitting the gym everyday for 1.5 hours to try to work out you of my system.  And yet, you continue to hang out.  You've got your nails dug into me so deep that you're starting to bring about physical pain.

If you can be replaced by sleep and motivation in the very near future, that would be greatly appreciated.

Until then, I suppose today will be yet another day of hanging out in bed all day balling my eyes out.

And Andy Williams bragged about this being "the most wonderful time of the year"??

EDIT:
Are you a Christian woman who also struggles with depression?  If so, you need to read this article by Serena DeGarmo.  Seriously.  Read it.